tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-73331709041183118682024-02-07T15:57:34.222-08:00Woman In CrisisWoman in Crisishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00248853013300238912noreply@blogger.comBlogger130125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7333170904118311868.post-47889039947028686122015-05-17T18:04:00.000-07:002015-05-17T18:04:38.657-07:00IntentionsI have my first full week of work and IOP starting tomorrow and I'm slightly nervous. I have billable hours to meet, meetings to make, and connections to be made. And I also have to make my meals and IOP. I will be moving from 6:15am to 7:45pm for the next four days. That is in fact what my Monday-Thursday schedule will look like for a while.<br />
<br />
So, here's me setting the intention that it will go well. I've got this.Woman in Crisishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00248853013300238912noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7333170904118311868.post-46447200755857836422015-05-17T06:39:00.001-07:002015-05-17T06:39:23.794-07:00ChallengeI am definitely going through a challenge at this time. I discharged from the hospital on Tuesday, started the Intensive Out Patient (IOP) program Thursday and returned to work on Friday. Things are moving along quite nicely, really, except I find that I have hit the ground running at work and I'm struggling with the meal plan. I know this will be an issue at the program when I return tomorrow evening.<br />
<br />
With work I have a training that starts in four weeks and runs all day. So I need to get my shit together so that I can discharge in four weeks. I know this. And yet, when the meal time hits I look at what I have in front of me and I don't want it, I'm not hungry. fml. It's counterintuitive to eat when I am not hungry but that is what I have to do at this time. Meal times are not the most pleasant for me but I'm trying to rise to this challenge by buying things needed to make sure I get lunch in at work. Here goes nothing.Woman in Crisishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00248853013300238912noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7333170904118311868.post-53558877856004982072015-05-10T07:33:00.000-07:002015-05-10T07:33:03.916-07:00ForceTuesday I hopefully discharge from the hospital, as long as my days off go okay.<br />
I have lost and regained my confidence several times since entering inpatient the beginning of March and going into the partial program last month. My depression has waxed and wained and so have my eating disorder symptoms. I'm starting to get my memory back on some things and am told I will get my memory back even more as time passes.<br />
I am ready to discharge to the intensive outpatient program and yet, part of me feels like I am being forced out due to work. My job protection ended May 5th and I am now on borrowed time. I am very lucky to have a supportive work environment with supervisors that are granting me understanding and extra time. But I can't help feeling like I would be more ready if I didn't feel the rush to get back to work, if I still had my job protection.<br />
Having that protection gave me permission to take my time and it's like now that I do not have it (even though my job would give me more time if needed) I need to go back to work regardless of my readiness.<br />
I <i>am</i> ready. I just feel like I would have more confidence in my recovery and ability if I still had my FMLA umbrella.Woman in Crisishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00248853013300238912noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7333170904118311868.post-2064812359098818542015-05-01T16:55:00.001-07:002015-05-01T16:55:18.467-07:00Update I did in fact go into treatment the beginning of March. I spent a month in inpatient, during which time I received ECT, so my memories of this time period are varied and unreliable. I then switched to a partial hospitalization program a few weeks ago, where I'm currently receiving treatment. Hopefully I will be discharging in a week or so in to an intensive outpatient program, where I'll be for a month or so and then my time in a higher level of care will conclude, hopefully in time for me to start school again.<br />
<br />
So there's the update that you'll get and now on to other programing :)Woman in Crisishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00248853013300238912noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7333170904118311868.post-25073198294900567502015-03-06T15:02:00.000-08:002015-03-06T15:02:07.831-08:00I'll take another roundSo...I may be going into treatment again. I have my assessment appointment at an agency here in Towson on Tuesday at 10:30am. I'm waiting to hear back about another program from my therapist. My doctor wants me to go to the hospital.<br />
<br />
I'll be in treatment. again. This time it's more of a mood thing, although my eating is certainly affected.<br />
<br />
I wish I could just be all better and enjoy things again. That'd be awesome. Until then I guess I'll give treatment another go.Woman in Crisishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00248853013300238912noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7333170904118311868.post-18943441704599677202015-02-22T17:25:00.000-08:002015-02-22T17:25:19.624-08:00Inspirations and InfluencesWhy am I writing this? I don't know. My mood makes me not want to write it, that's for sure. That's not because I don't have inspirations and influences, I do. I'm not going to recycle what I wrote a few years ago, although some of those are probably the same. It's when I try to write something positive that I have an acute awareness of my depression. I feel like I may be feeling better, but I have the sense this may be a delusion to try and get me to 'fake it, till you make it'.<br />
<br />
I'm where I am at this minute because of so many people. I would not have made it this far working through my past without my treatment team. My doctor is the reason I'm still alive today...even though my depression is bad right now, it has been so much worse. I would love to emulate my doctor one day as a therapist. She models what it means to really listen to a patient.<br />
<br />
My work influences me everyday. Everyday I help a client I also learn from them.<br />
<br />
School influences me. For the best and the worst I will not be the same when I leave the program as when I started.<br />
<br />
My fiance influences me. She believes in me. I love her.<br />
<br />
This is as far as my energy goes right now. I wish I could flesh out this right now. Sigh.Woman in Crisishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00248853013300238912noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7333170904118311868.post-69832275469843307392015-02-17T17:23:00.001-08:002015-02-17T17:23:41.758-08:00Favorite Childhood MemoryI'm thinking back, scrounging for a favorite memory of my childhood. Maybe it's the depression; depression does have a way to act as a lens that shrouds everything in darkness. But, really, there are maybe only a few good memories anyway so they're just extra hard to find.<br />
<br />
So, instead of good memories the ones that are coming up right now are the bad ones...that's no good for the depression. Maybe if I list them here? I don't know, that'll just make everyone else depressed.<br />
<br />
Sigh, back to the mound of schoolwork I can't wrap my head around.Woman in Crisishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00248853013300238912noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7333170904118311868.post-1251626977619943122015-02-16T11:32:00.000-08:002015-02-16T11:32:36.990-08:00I give up Well, the fog of depression has settled all around me and I have no sense of direction. I'm holding it together at work, although I'm crying in the car between client appointments; today I actually cancelled one to come home...to sit on my couch and cry. My doctor doesn't come in on mondays and my two therapists do not have availability. With the promise of snow in the forcast my appointment I have tomorrow will be cancelled.<br />
I can hear my therapist in my ear...'reach out to Jen'. But how do you reach out to the person you care about most to tell them that the depression that is pinning you down started out as wanting to give up on them? the relationship? To tell them you're so traumatized by past relationships that you don't know how to stay in one that's healthy?<br />
The "I want to give up"s have transcended everything and I find myself unable to write the paper that's due tomorrow, study for my midterm, even stay at work for a full shift. I mean, I'm actually planning on calling out sick the rest of the week to avoid it. I've already plotted to drop the rest of the semester so that I'm done starting March 8th.<br />
Part of me thinks 'if I can just get to March 8th everything will be better'. But the truth is it just gives me one less thing to absorb myself in. Then what? It's kind of like the eating disorder, really. For a while I was always thinking "if I can just lose 10 more pounds". But nothing ever changed. So, what's the point?Woman in Crisishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00248853013300238912noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7333170904118311868.post-66914662353842419782015-02-09T16:35:00.001-08:002015-02-09T16:35:43.192-08:00tick tockTonight I'm feeling the passage of time; it's not a restful breeze but a suffocating fog and each minute that passes is another reminder of what I'm not accomplishing.<br />
<br />
I have a test tomorrow but I cannot get myself to study. My apartment is trashed but I have no energy to clean. I'm antsy but I don't know what I should do. I don't have an unbiased ear to talk to between sessions with my therapists (yes, plural) and my thoughts are screaming to get out. Nothing makes sense.<br />
<br />
Second by second and minute by minute is doing nothing more than counting the passage of time.Woman in Crisishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00248853013300238912noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7333170904118311868.post-11817113021987807832015-02-08T07:03:00.002-08:002015-02-08T07:03:34.523-08:00What is beauty?A cleansing of sorts happens through tears. The grime of the past is gently washed away by streams of tears that wash away the hurt, the grief, the pain, and leave behind a fresh perspective.<br />
<br />
Many people think crying is not a beautiful thing. I mean, when you're in a really good cry, it can seem kind of ugly. But still, the same process happens, a fresh perspective can be gained, and life changes. Changes are beautiful. Crying is beautiful.<br />
<br />
It also has the ability to make a connection to another human being. A connection born out of empathy and sincerity. That connection cannot be faked, it's forged in the same pain that is being washed away. Sometimes it's when a person feels most connected to another human being.<br />
<br />
Crying is real and in its authenticity it's beautiful.Woman in Crisishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00248853013300238912noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7333170904118311868.post-85732101078045650972015-02-07T13:09:00.000-08:002015-02-07T13:09:41.282-08:00Starting over.This blog started as a weekly challenge with some beautiful people I knew a few years ago. I thought, in order to get going again I would go through and do the weekly challenge. It's also an awesome way to get outside of oneself. Here's the challenge, in case you want to join me!<br />
<br />
<a href="http://my-purple-dreams.blogspot.com/2011/10/week-1-what-is-beauty.html" style="color: #4f0e90; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Week 1: What is Beauty?</a><br style="color: #270648; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px;" /><br style="color: #270648; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px;" /><a href="http://my-purple-dreams.blogspot.com/2011/10/week-2-favorite-childhood-memories.html" style="color: #4f0e90; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Week 2: Favorite Childhood Memory</a><br style="color: #270648; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px;" /><br style="color: #270648; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px;" /><a href="http://my-purple-dreams.blogspot.com/2011/11/week-3-inspirations-and-influences.html" style="color: #4f0e90; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Week 3: Inspirations and Influences</a><br style="color: #270648; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px;" /><br style="color: #270648; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px;" /><a href="http://my-purple-dreams.blogspot.com/2011/11/week-4-aspirations.html" style="color: #4f0e90; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Week 4: Aspirations</a><br style="color: #270648; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px;" /><br style="color: #270648; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px;" /><a href="http://my-purple-dreams.blogspot.com/2011/11/week-5-sunshine.html" style="color: #4f0e90; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Week 5: Sunshine</a><br style="color: #270648; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px;" /><br style="color: #270648; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px;" /><a href="http://my-purple-dreams.blogspot.com/2011/11/week-6-where-i-am-at-this-moment.html" style="color: #4f0e90; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Week 6: Where I Am At This Moment </a><br style="color: #270648; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px;" /><br style="color: #270648; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px;" /><a href="http://my-purple-dreams.blogspot.com/2011/11/week-7-words-that-give-me-meaning-take.html" style="color: #4f0e90; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Week 7: Words That Give Me Meaning Take 1</a><br style="color: #270648; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px;" /><a href="http://my-purple-dreams.blogspot.com/2011/11/week-7-words-that-give-me-meaning-take_14.html" style="color: #4f0e90; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Take 2</a><span style="background-color: #b4a7d6; color: #270648; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px;"> </span><a href="http://my-purple-dreams.blogspot.com/2011/11/week-7-words-that-give-me-meaning-take_18.html" style="color: #4f0e90; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Take 3</a><span style="background-color: #b4a7d6; color: #270648; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px;"> </span><a href="http://my-purple-dreams.blogspot.com/2011/11/week-7-words-that-give-me-meaning-take_29.html" style="color: #4f0e90; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Take 4</a><span style="background-color: #b4a7d6; color: #270648; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px;"> </span><a href="http://my-purple-dreams.blogspot.com/2012/01/week-7-words-that-give-me-meaning-take.html" style="color: #4f0e90; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Take 5</a><span style="background-color: #b4a7d6; color: #270648; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px;"> </span><a href="http://my-purple-dreams.blogspot.com/2012/03/week-7-words-that-give-me-meaning-take.html" style="color: #4f0e90; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Take 6</a><span style="background-color: #b4a7d6; color: #270648; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px;"> </span><a href="http://my-purple-dreams.blogspot.com/2012/07/happy-independence-day.html" style="color: #4f0e90; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Take 7</a><span style="background-color: #b4a7d6; color: #270648; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px;"> </span><a href="http://my-purple-dreams.blogspot.com/2012/10/words-and-music.html" style="color: #4f0e90; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Take 8</a><span style="background-color: #b4a7d6; color: #270648; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px;"> </span><a href="http://my-purple-dreams.blogspot.com/2013/08/a-musical-message.html" style="color: #4f0e90; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Take 9</a><span style="background-color: #b4a7d6; color: #270648; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px;"> </span><br style="color: #270648; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px;" /><br style="color: #270648; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px;" /><a href="http://my-purple-dreams.blogspot.com/2011/11/week-8-fears.html" style="color: #4f0e90; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Week 8: Fears</a><br style="color: #270648; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px;" /><br style="color: #270648; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px;" /><a href="http://my-purple-dreams.blogspot.com/2011/11/week-9-where-are-you-now.html" style="color: #4f0e90; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Week 9: Where Are You Now?</a><br style="color: #270648; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px;" /><br style="color: #270648; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px;" /><a href="http://my-purple-dreams.blogspot.com/2011/12/week-10-accomplishments.html" style="color: #4f0e90; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Week 10: Accomplishments</a><br style="color: #270648; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px;" /><br style="color: #270648; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px;" /><a href="http://my-purple-dreams.blogspot.com/2011/12/week-11-recovery.html" style="color: #4f0e90; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Week 11: Recovery</a><br style="color: #270648; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px;" /><br style="color: #270648; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px;" /><a href="http://my-purple-dreams.blogspot.com/2012/02/week-12-meaningful-people.html" style="color: #4f0e90; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Week 12: Meaningful People</a><br style="color: #270648; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px;" /><br style="color: #270648; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px;" /><a href="http://my-purple-dreams.blogspot.com/2012/03/week-13-forgiveness.html" style="color: #4f0e90; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Week 13: Forgiveness</a><br style="color: #270648; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px;" /><br style="color: #270648; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px;" /><a href="http://my-purple-dreams.blogspot.com/2012/05/week-14-gratitude.html" style="color: #4f0e90; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Week 14: Gratitude</a><br style="color: #270648; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px;" /><br style="color: #270648; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px;" /><a href="http://my-purple-dreams.blogspot.com/2012/05/week-15-higher-power.html" style="color: #4f0e90; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Week 15: Higher Power</a><br style="color: #270648; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px;" /><br style="color: #270648; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px;" /><a href="http://my-purple-dreams.blogspot.com/2012/06/week-16-giving.html" style="color: #4f0e90; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Week 16: Giving</a><br style="color: #270648; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px;" /><br style="color: #270648; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px;" /><a href="http://my-purple-dreams.blogspot.com/2012/06/week-17-goals.html" style="color: #4f0e90; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Week 17: Goals</a><br style="color: #270648; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px;" /><br style="color: #270648; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px;" /><a href="http://my-purple-dreams.blogspot.com/2012/06/week-18-affirmations.html" style="color: #4f0e90; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Week 18: Affirmations </a><br style="color: #270648; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px;" /><br style="color: #270648; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px;" /><a href="http://my-purple-dreams.blogspot.com/2012/06/week-18-best-recovery-advice.html" style="color: #4f0e90; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Week 18: Best Recovery Advice</a><br style="color: #270648; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px;" /><br style="color: #270648; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px;" /><a href="http://my-purple-dreams.blogspot.com/2012/06/week-19-favorite-time-of-year.html" style="color: #4f0e90; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Week 19: Favorite Time of Year </a><br style="color: #270648; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px;" /><br style="color: #270648; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px;" /><a href="http://my-purple-dreams.blogspot.com/2012/07/week-20-characters-that-remind-me-of-me.html" style="color: #4f0e90; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Week 20: Characters that Remind Me of Me</a><br style="color: #270648; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px;" /><br style="color: #270648; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px;" /><a href="http://my-purple-dreams.blogspot.com/2012/07/week-21-what-i-want-to-hear.html" style="color: #4f0e90; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Week 21: Something I want to hear</a><br style="color: #270648; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px;" /><br style="color: #270648; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px;" /><a href="http://my-purple-dreams.blogspot.com/2012/07/week-22-harboring-emtions.html" style="color: #4f0e90; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Week 22: Harboring Emotions</a><br style="color: #270648; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px;" /><br style="color: #270648; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px;" /><a href="http://my-purple-dreams.blogspot.com/2012/07/week-23-affirmationsrecovery-advice.html" style="color: #4f0e90; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Week 23: Best Recovery Advice/Affirmations</a><br style="color: #270648; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px;" /><br style="color: #270648; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px;" /><a href="http://my-purple-dreams.blogspot.com/2012/07/week-24-overcoming-challenges.html" style="color: #4f0e90; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Week 24: Overcoming Challenges</a><br style="color: #270648; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px;" /><br style="color: #270648; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px;" /><a href="http://my-purple-dreams.blogspot.com/2012/07/week-25-something-im-proud-of.html" style="color: #4f0e90; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Week 25: Something I'm Proud Of</a><br style="color: #270648; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px;" /><br style="color: #270648; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px;" /><a href="http://my-purple-dreams.blogspot.com/2012/07/week-26-something-positive-about-me.html" style="color: #4f0e90; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Week 26: Something Positive About Me</a><br style="color: #270648; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px;" /><br style="color: #270648; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px;" /><a href="http://my-purple-dreams.blogspot.com/2012/07/week-27-superpowers.html" style="color: #4f0e90; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Week 27: Superpowers!</a><br style="color: #270648; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px;" /><br style="color: #270648; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px;" /><a href="http://my-purple-dreams.blogspot.com/2012/07/week-28-where-would-i-be.html" style="color: #4f0e90; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Week 28: Where Would I Be... </a><br style="color: #270648; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px;" /><br style="color: #270648; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px;" /><a href="http://my-purple-dreams.blogspot.com/2012/07/week-29-made-ya-laugh.html" style="color: #4f0e90; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Week 29: Made Ya Laugh!</a><br style="color: #270648; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px;" /><br style="color: #270648; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px;" /><a href="http://my-purple-dreams.blogspot.com/2012/07/week-30-three-words.html" style="color: #4f0e90; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Week 30: Three Words that Describe Me</a><br style="color: #270648; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px;" /><br style="color: #270648; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px;" /><a href="http://my-purple-dreams.blogspot.com/2012/08/week-31-smile.html" style="color: #4f0e90; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Week 31: Things that Make Me Smile </a><br style="color: #270648; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px;" /><br style="color: #270648; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px;" /><a href="http://my-purple-dreams.blogspot.com/2012/08/week-32-inspirational-person.html" style="color: #4f0e90; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Week 32: Inspirational Person</a><br style="color: #270648; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px;" /><br style="color: #270648; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px;" /><a href="http://my-purple-dreams.blogspot.com/2012/08/week-33-prized-possession.html" style="color: #4f0e90; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Week 33: Most Prized Possession</a><br style="color: #270648; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px;" /><br style="color: #270648; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px;" /><a href="http://my-purple-dreams.blogspot.com/2012/08/week-34-calming-down.html" style="color: #4f0e90; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Week 34: Calming Down</a><br style="color: #270648; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px;" /><br style="color: #270648; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px;" /><a href="http://my-purple-dreams.blogspot.com/2012/08/week-35-turning-point.html" style="color: #4f0e90; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Week 35: Turning Point </a><br style="color: #270648; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px;" /><br style="color: #270648; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px;" /><a href="http://my-purple-dreams.blogspot.com/2012/10/week-36-most-meaningful-gift-ive-given.html" style="color: #4f0e90; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Week 36: Most Meaningful Gift I've Given</a><br style="color: #270648; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px;" /><a href="http://my-purple-dreams.blogspot.com/2012/10/week-37-most-meaningful-gift-ive.html" style="color: #4f0e90; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><br /></a><span style="background-color: #b4a7d6; color: #270648; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px;"></span><a href="http://my-purple-dreams.blogspot.com/2012/10/week-37-most-meaningful-gift-ive.html" style="color: #4f0e90; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Week 37: Most Meaningful Gift I've Been Given</a><br style="color: #270648; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px;" /><br style="color: #270648; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px;" /><a href="http://my-purple-dreams.blogspot.com/2012/10/week-38-where-has-time-gone.html" style="color: #4f0e90; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Week 38: Where Has Time Gone?</a><br style="color: #270648; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px;" /><br style="color: #270648; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px;" /><a href="http://my-purple-dreams.blogspot.com/2012/10/week-39-favorite-time-of-day.html" style="color: #4f0e90; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Week 39: Favorite Time of Day</a><br style="color: #270648; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px;" /><br style="color: #270648; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px;" /><a href="http://my-purple-dreams.blogspot.com/2012/10/week-40-favorite-tv-show.html" style="color: #4f0e90; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Week 40: Favorite TV Show</a><br style="color: #270648; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px;" /><br style="color: #270648; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px;" /><a href="http://my-purple-dreams.blogspot.com/2012/11/week-41-dream-job.html" style="color: #4f0e90; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Week 41: Dream Job</a><br style="color: #270648; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px;" /><br style="color: #270648; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px;" /><a href="http://my-purple-dreams.blogspot.com/2012/11/week-42-overcoming-stresful-times.html" style="color: #4f0e90; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Week 42: Overcoming Stressful Times</a><br style="color: #270648; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px;" /><br style="color: #270648; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px;" /><a href="http://my-purple-dreams.blogspot.com/2012/12/week-43-advice-for-season.html" style="color: #4f0e90; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Week 43: Holiday Encouragement</a><br style="color: #270648; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px;" /><br style="color: #270648; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px;" /><a href="http://my-purple-dreams.blogspot.com/2012/12/week-44-holiday-smiles.html" style="color: #4f0e90; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Week 44: Holiday Smiles</a><br style="color: #270648; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px;" /><br style="color: #270648; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px;" /><a href="http://my-purple-dreams.blogspot.com/2012/12/week-45-three-wishes.html" style="color: #4f0e90; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Week 45: Three Wishes</a><br style="color: #270648; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px;" /><br style="color: #270648; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px;" /><a href="http://my-purple-dreams.blogspot.com/2013/07/week-46-energy-boost.html" style="color: #4f0e90; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Week 46: Energy Boost</a><br style="color: #270648; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px;" /><br style="color: #270648; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px;" /><a href="http://my-purple-dreams.blogspot.com/2013/07/week-47-motivation.html" style="color: #4f0e90; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Week 47: Motivation</a><br style="color: #270648; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px;" /><a href="http://my-purple-dreams.blogspot.com/2013/07/week-48-celebrate.html" style="color: #4f0e90; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><br /></a><span style="background-color: #b4a7d6; color: #270648; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px;"></span><a href="http://my-purple-dreams.blogspot.com/2013/07/week-48-celebrate.html" style="color: #4f0e90; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Week 48: Something Worth Celebrating!</a><br style="color: #270648; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px;" /><br style="color: #270648; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px;" /><a href="http://my-purple-dreams.blogspot.com/2013/08/week-49-traditions.html" style="color: #4f0e90; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Week 49: Traditions</a><br style="color: #270648; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px;" /><br style="color: #270648; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px;" /><a href="http://my-purple-dreams.blogspot.com/2013/08/week-50-special-place.html" style="color: #4f0e90; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Week 50: A Special Place</a><br style="color: #270648; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px;" /><br style="color: #270648; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px;" /><a href="http://my-purple-dreams.blogspot.com/2013/10/week-51-life-lessons.html" style="color: #4f0e90; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Week 51: Life Lessons</a><br style="color: #270648; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px;" /><br style="color: #270648; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px;" /><a href="http://my-purple-dreams.blogspot.com/2013/10/week-52-dream-vacation.html" style="color: #4f0e90; font-family: 'Coming Soon'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Week 52: Dream Vacation</a>Woman in Crisishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00248853013300238912noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7333170904118311868.post-24857089130836370612015-02-07T13:06:00.000-08:002015-02-07T13:06:01.739-08:00Raise! and a little bit of all over the placeI got a raise! I've been wanting to share it all day but I haven't seen anyone, other than Jen. It's significant and will, hopefully mean I'm not trying to get overtime in my free time. Although I probably will try to put in extra time, just to make myself a little more comfortable.<br />
<br />
I've been thinking a lot about what I'm going to do when I have to do my internship next spring. I know, I know, it's almost a year away. But I realized there's no way to navigate working full time, put in 16+hours at my internship, and have class. Even I know that's crazy and I'm someone who has doubled up on classes to the point where I'm a full time student twice over. I think my supervisor and the director will work with me though, because they really know my work ethic and I think they'd want to keep me.<br />
<br />
This week has been hard on the emotions. I've had for real crying sessions three times. I did start my period and I'm notorious for having bad premenstrual issues. But I'm also dealing with getting my needs met by my fiance. We have a fundamental difference in needs and it's getting to me. I need touch and she doesn't. I don't know what to do with that because I can't get married to someone who can't touch me. But, we are in couples therapy so I'm hoping to see some real change. I don't know how long I should wait to see changes. But I will wait for now.<br />
<br />Woman in Crisishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00248853013300238912noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7333170904118311868.post-17602549059157997252015-02-02T18:18:00.001-08:002015-02-02T18:18:27.591-08:00A whole yearI'm sitting here and I realize that it has been a solid year since I've blogged. I started thinking about it while I was avoiding schoolwork and catching up on another dear soul's journey. So much has changed.<br />
<br />
I have moved. twice. Hopefully I won't be moving any time soon.<br />
<br />
I have been in a relationship for over a year; I'm engaged and get married 4/1/16.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjoCaUN_mYmZvfzPth1vI1DoIdFZpFeRPm7ehU6QzX-uaqYAqHRpmVRwLsDJHx9fWddtdcQovLrEQ2-B1dIuhtOseh7N0SwYlqgQAUXNQKw0SpxEuX4pVk_twdqnpK_7gpfSwLnvG7ybIWv/s1600/IMG_3531.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjoCaUN_mYmZvfzPth1vI1DoIdFZpFeRPm7ehU6QzX-uaqYAqHRpmVRwLsDJHx9fWddtdcQovLrEQ2-B1dIuhtOseh7N0SwYlqgQAUXNQKw0SpxEuX4pVk_twdqnpK_7gpfSwLnvG7ybIWv/s1600/IMG_3531.jpg" height="200" width="149" /></a></div>
<br />
I started graduate school and am now a 1/3 of the way through the program. I will be a counselor come December 2016.<br />
<br />
I'm reminded of my 5 year plan that I wrote back in 2011 and I'm amazed at how far I've come. When you set out on goals and keep your eye on the prize you generally achieve what you set out to do.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://beautifulcrazycrisis.blogspot.com/2011/11/next-five-years.html">http://beautifulcrazycrisis.blogspot.com/2011/11/next-five-years.html</a><br />
<br />
I've also lost sight of the people I used to blog with, a community that was so supportive. I'm sad to look at my blog feed and only see a few people posting updates. I wonder where everyone else went.<br />
<br />
Woman in Crisishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00248853013300238912noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7333170904118311868.post-32695965213516578712014-02-08T11:53:00.013-08:002014-04-16T16:22:39.827-07:00Forgiveness<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">The art of forgiving is not coming easily for me. As I sit here and write I am finding that I am so angry it has turned to sadness. The anger has finally surfaced, much like when a wound comes to a head; in order to heal the wound must be opened up so the poison can come out. In the same way my anger is out there for me to feel and see and I don't like it. Not that many people actually like anger. </span><div><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><br></span></div><div><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">But I don't think healing and forgiving are the same thing. I think it's possible to heal without having forgiven the trespass. When a wound heals there is often a scar and emotional wounds go through the same process. Whether forgiveness happens the scar will be there regardless. </span></div><div><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><br></span></div><div><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">More important than forgiving the 'other' it is important to forgive myself. That's when I will be able to make peace with the reminders of the hurt so, when the scar comes into view, it doesn't hurt to look at . </span></div>Woman in Crisishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00248853013300238912noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7333170904118311868.post-2034279496607965912014-02-08T11:53:00.007-08:002014-02-15T11:42:44.903-08:00HomeHome is where the heart is. <div><br></div><div>So, where is my heart? I no longer feel like it lies back in Arizona; sometimes it feels like it doesn't lie 'here' either. </div><div><br></div><div>Home. </div><div><br></div><div>Is it a physical place where you lay your head down at night? If that's the case I've had far too many to count. </div><div><br></div><div>If it's a metaphysical place I've never had a place that feels like home. </div><div><br></div><div>Can you lose your home like one loses a piece of property? Have I lost my home?</div><div><br></div><div>Home...</div><div><br></div><div>I just don't know. </div>Woman in Crisishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00248853013300238912noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7333170904118311868.post-24785204246225573562014-02-08T11:53:00.001-08:002014-02-13T17:49:19.207-08:00Tears<div><br></div><div><br></div><div><br></div><br><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">I spent a long time longing for my family; craving to be held as this child yearned for her mother. Just as she has been relegated to drawing chalk images imagining the comfort she needed, I ran after mirages of what I thought my family should be. Everytime my family looked similar to what I needed I would pound the ground harder but I would arrive to find the hot sand without water to quench my thirst. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">Many tears have fallen for the family that did not exist. Each told a story of sadness, heartbreak, loss; I am an adult, however, and I refuse to be relegated to chalk drawings and lost images. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">My family will be who I choose. They will be those that love me as I am and do not judge my idiosynchracies. I deserve to be loved and I chose to seek those who will love me unconditionally.</div><br><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><br><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><br><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjzotKPWd1R_vyh2qg1Cfv-rFtOEBmSB5U6z7LC8g4HDR3GP97YSP4H7I58lY5CH4vRwdcAJ_yh_RM0sNo7DHQ5i0kjfGe1E7Y67tBFQjJwAokVN8xFlEQvDOt9fpyWHxY4YdTRWofNIrgl/s640/blogger-image--1172501250.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjzotKPWd1R_vyh2qg1Cfv-rFtOEBmSB5U6z7LC8g4HDR3GP97YSP4H7I58lY5CH4vRwdcAJ_yh_RM0sNo7DHQ5i0kjfGe1E7Y67tBFQjJwAokVN8xFlEQvDOt9fpyWHxY4YdTRWofNIrgl/s640/blogger-image--1172501250.jpg"></a></div><br><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhYAVJfMFry1slday7CvLT5eeS_K1sMN-zPA7FSVWCVHZeCsdO-SFN-22FMJqE-7VfF7U9luIknXr5ZovzAp3shv-2qA4SAFBjUL0cKCpytvXxeLZ3SGQH8-d4Sb0CAoAU2MLOaFwCRjmS5/s640/blogger-image--1901022792.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhYAVJfMFry1slday7CvLT5eeS_K1sMN-zPA7FSVWCVHZeCsdO-SFN-22FMJqE-7VfF7U9luIknXr5ZovzAp3shv-2qA4SAFBjUL0cKCpytvXxeLZ3SGQH8-d4Sb0CAoAU2MLOaFwCRjmS5/s640/blogger-image--1901022792.jpg"></a></div>Woman in Crisishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00248853013300238912noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7333170904118311868.post-8966708965689526062014-02-08T11:44:00.001-08:002014-02-12T18:25:17.268-08:00Week 52: dream vacation<div><br></div><div>I love to experience new things, to go new places and have that childlike experience of the awe in going to a place for the first time. So, the reality of a dream vacation, is expansive. I want to travel the world and experience everything.</div><div><br></div><div>My most immediate dream vacation is the one I'm taking in august. This is so because it's the first vacation that I am going to be taking as a couple, with my girlfriend :) I'm gong to experience portland for the first time. Go to voodoo donuts, go there with her. That makes it amazing to me. </div>Woman in Crisishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00248853013300238912noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7333170904118311868.post-7196088604614726192014-02-04T06:52:00.002-08:002014-02-12T18:26:19.021-08:00ClosureThe topic of 'life lessons' is timely, although painful for me to experience and write about.<br>
<br>
Life is a finite thing. We are not guaranteed our next breath, our next day, our next family event. In a moment a person can be gone. It doesn't matter if communication and conversations were a common life even because the idea of the person not existing any more can send you (me) for a tail spin, regardless.<br>
<br>
My grandmother passed away last friday and we didn't have a good relationship, if you could call what we had a relationship at all. But, she was a holder of information about my dad that I'll never know, there will no longer be promise of hugs, and the possibility of love and understanding. The whole side of my family that encompasses my grandmother as the matriarch never talks with us and the memorial service will, likely, be the only time I will see so much of this side of my family in one place.<br>
<br>
The second life lesson is to seek closure. Don't leave lose ends thinking there'll be time to go back to the hard stuff later. One of the most important reasons I am going back to Texas for the memorial service is to find closure for all the ways this family was not, and will never be, what I need and deserve. I will not approach them because I know this isn't what I need. But being able to let go of that childhood fantasy will help me grasp more fully the family that I've created and do have.Woman in Crisishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00248853013300238912noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7333170904118311868.post-18061366873072628182014-02-02T15:22:00.000-08:002014-02-02T15:22:07.708-08:00A special placeI want to believe that a special place, my special place, is a state of mind. I love the desert, when I think about it I can feel the sun and imagine the heat on my skin. I remember the comfort of the dry heat like an oven and the smell that rises from the earth as it begins to rain. Sunsets color the sky with reds and yellows and orange.<br />
<br />
I haven't lived in Arizona since 2008 but I carry this with me, my special place. When I am hurting, or stressed, or scared, I can find comfort in the physical memories of those images.<br />
<br />
As I get ready to embark on a hard journey I take comfort in the smell before it rains.Woman in Crisishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00248853013300238912noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7333170904118311868.post-48925845869880228772014-01-23T17:33:00.000-08:002014-01-23T17:33:07.805-08:00TraditionsMy family doesn't have traditions…meaning that every attempt to make an activity/get-together/etc into something re-occurring never happened. <div>
<br /></div>
<div>
So, I want to make my own traditions, for myself and my future family. Christmas isn't a holiday I celebrate but I will make it a habit to be with family (or the family I create) during this holiday because it is one they celebrate.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Dinner will be a family activity. Each individual will have their part in preparing the meal. As much as possible everyone will eat together. But, if someone is unable to make it to the dinner table, a plate will be made for them for when they make it home.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I want to spend a few minutes at the end of each day with my children. Listening to them talk about their day, the good parts, the bad parts, and everything in between. By starting this young the line of communication is open. By remaining open to what they say I convey that I won't judge them. Then, when they need it as an older teenager or adult, they know my ears are still open. I'm still there. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
Woman in Crisishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00248853013300238912noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7333170904118311868.post-61362438940895475132014-01-21T17:26:00.000-08:002014-01-21T17:26:05.798-08:00Something worth celebratingI'm sharing a blurb in a book about goals. I'm sharing this because I had written down some goals in November of 2011.<br />
<br />
http://beautifulcrazycrisis.blogspot.com/2011/11/next-five-years.html<br />
<br />
And I'm celebrating because I'm on target to completing some of them. Here's the excerpt from the book:<br />
<br />
A goal is a dream set to paper. Don't ust think it-ink it! According to Dave Kohl, professor emeritus at Virginia Tech., people who regularly write down their goals earn nine times as much over their lifetimes as the people who don't, and yet 80% of Americans say they don't have goals. Sixteen percent do have goals, but they don't write them down. Less than four percent write down their goals, and fewer than one percent actually review them on an ongoing basis. Guess which one percent?<br />
<br />
What are your dreams??? Write them down and make them your goalsWoman in Crisishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00248853013300238912noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7333170904118311868.post-24967907854362733372014-01-20T16:35:00.002-08:002014-01-20T16:35:25.625-08:00Give me a boost……and not the supplemental kind of boost. But, a boost of energy; it was hard for me to get started on this topic because I'm rather lethargic as of late. I love coffee but it only seems like it works when I don't want it to. I'm a little haphazard in my eating habits which ends up in those lovely supplements listed above…those definitely don't give you energy.<br />
<br />
I think what energizes me most at this point in my life is my niece. I love to see how she tirelessly runs and plays and talks. The excitement of going on the potty and watching her try to pinch the stickers to take them off the pages. Her pure enjoyment and wonder gives joy to others, including me.<br />
<br />
In the work realm I find it in the moments of satisfaction, when I know I did something well, or when I find out one of my clients is doing well.<br />
<br />
I think it's important to find ways to 'recharge' one's own batteries; many people I know are givers and they give of themselves until they are exhausted (I guess I'm speaking to myself right now too). It's ok to take breaks from the people in your life that drain your energy, it's ok to say no. And it's important to surround yourself with those that raise you up and bring you satisfaction.<br />
<br />
<br />Woman in Crisishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00248853013300238912noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7333170904118311868.post-11465290471026502562014-01-18T16:58:00.001-08:002014-01-18T16:58:17.396-08:00If I had a genieI'd make three wishes. Rather, I'd make that many because that's all you get.<br />
<br />
I think my wishes are heart breaking to me and, yet, hopeful. I do not want money or wealth because I do not need it to be happy. I make enough to be comfortable and I'm ok if that's all I ever do.<br />
<br />
My first is to bring my father back from the dead.<br />
<br />
This would not be enough to fix whatever was wrong before he committed suicide so I would wish for help to be there for that too. In these two wishes my dad would have back his life and the possibility of true healing for his wounds.<br />
<br />
Not even this would gaurantee that he'd be part of my life, so my final wish would be for us to have a relationship. I want to have those father/daughter arguments, have him ground me, and have the ability to get angry at him. I want him to be here to kiss away tears, be there for milestones, like the birth of his (future) grandchildren.<br />
<br />
But, they say, genie's wishes cannot cross the wall of death, so my wishes would remain stowed away in the bottle because what I want is already dead.Woman in Crisishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00248853013300238912noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7333170904118311868.post-63626062502049706802014-01-03T03:59:00.003-08:002014-01-03T03:59:35.300-08:00Holiday encouragement/holiday smilesProbably my favorite memory of this year will be my niece opening gifts <i>for</i> me. :) She's at that age where the ripping off of paper is exciting and pulling things out of boxes still hold magic. It truly is not about what's <i>in</i> the box yet, she's too young for that, it's about the surprise of what's inside.<br />
<br />
My encouragement may not seem all that positive, depending on how you view it.<br />
<br />
The first is that 'this too, shall pass.' Just like any other day in the year, this one will move into a memory. So, just hold on. It'll be over before you know it.<br />
<br />
Sometimes it helps to observe your family. Each of the members. The squabbles they get into with each other. Thinking about their 'behind the scenes' reel they may not try to show to others. Do this without getting involved in the arguments. In this little act an understanding is gained about the members of your family, even as you are building a little more autonomy for yourself. Their issues are about them, not you, and that's ok. You don't have to take on their struggles along with your own.<br />
<br />
The last is that your family isn't the only one that may seem bat-shit crazy. I think the secret is that there are far more 'out there' families than 'normal' ones. And that our lives are more interesting for our crazy homes. It's something we can be grateful for, really.Woman in Crisishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00248853013300238912noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7333170904118311868.post-56269363212144977142013-12-25T08:52:00.001-08:002013-12-25T08:52:54.044-08:00How I destress.This topic is something complex to think and write about because I'm not good at destressing...<div><br></div><div>This last month has been the hardest of the last year. Harder than the first fourish months where I was out of work and in treatment. Harder than the schedule I carried during my last semester of my undergrad</div><div><br></div><div>What's interesting about it is the fact that really great things have actually taken place but it's how I've handled them that has caused the month to be so hard.</div><div><br></div><div>In the last 3.5 weeks I left my job of 4 years and started a new job, using my degree, at a great organization. I finished my bachelor's degree and I got into grad school. I feel like there's even more that have slipped my mind. </div><div><br></div><div>The last 4 weeks have been SO stressful that I developed shingles. At under 30 I developed a disease people in their 50s and 60s are warned about. It's a disease that does have a vaccine but insurance does not cover it for anyone under 50.</div><div><br></div><div>Granted, I do have the foundation for developing the problem because I had chicken pox twice before I was one. But what brought it on was the extreme amount of stress and how overwhelmed I've felt. </div><div><br></div><div>I thought I was allowing myself to be stressed and my body was telling me differently. Instead the stress built up until it came out of me in the form of a disease. </div><div><br></div><div>So, I'm learning ways to de-stress. I've gone back up in modified sessions with my therapist and I've been given permission to do yoga. I have to leave the issues of work at work, as much as my mind will let me, and make sure I engage in social activities on weekends. </div><div><br></div><div>Because stress urges me to push everyone back and I'm learning the only real way to relieve it is to let people in.</div>Woman in Crisishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00248853013300238912noreply@blogger.com1