Intentions

I have my first full week of work and IOP starting tomorrow and I'm slightly nervous. I have billable hours to meet, meetings to make, and connections to be made. And I also have to make my meals and IOP. I will be moving from 6:15am to 7:45pm for the next four days. That is in fact what my Monday-Thursday schedule will look like for a while.

So, here's me setting the intention that it will go well. I've got this.

Challenge

I am definitely going through a challenge at this time. I discharged from the hospital on Tuesday, started the Intensive Out Patient (IOP) program Thursday and returned to work on Friday. Things are moving along quite nicely, really, except I find that I have hit the ground running at work and I'm struggling with the meal plan. I know this will be an issue at the program when I return tomorrow evening.

With work I have a training that starts in four weeks and runs all day. So I need to get my shit together so that I can discharge in four weeks. I know this. And yet, when the meal time hits I look at what I have in front of me and I don't want it, I'm not hungry. fml. It's counterintuitive to eat when I am not hungry but that is what I have to do at this time. Meal times are not the most pleasant for me but I'm trying to rise to this challenge by buying things needed to make sure I get lunch in at work. Here goes nothing.

Force

Tuesday I hopefully discharge from the hospital, as long as my days off go okay.
     I have lost and regained my confidence several times since entering inpatient the beginning of March and going into the partial program last month. My depression has waxed and wained and so have my eating disorder symptoms. I'm starting to get my memory back on some things and am told I will get my memory back even more as time passes.
     I am ready to discharge to the intensive outpatient program and yet, part of me feels like I am being forced out due to work. My job protection ended May 5th and I am now on borrowed time. I am very lucky to have a supportive work environment with supervisors that are granting me understanding and extra time. But I can't help feeling like I would be more ready if I didn't feel the rush to get back to work, if I still had my job protection.
     Having that protection gave me permission to take my time and it's like now that I do not have it (even though my job would give me more time if needed) I need to go back to work regardless of my readiness.
     I am ready. I just feel like I would have more confidence in my recovery and ability if I still had my FMLA umbrella.

Update

     I did in fact go into treatment the beginning of March. I spent a month in inpatient, during which time I received ECT, so my memories of this time period are varied and unreliable. I then switched to a partial hospitalization program a few weeks ago, where I'm currently receiving treatment. Hopefully I will be discharging in a week or so in to an intensive outpatient program, where I'll be for a month or so and then my time in a higher level of care will conclude, hopefully in time for me to start school again.

So there's the update that you'll get and now on to other programing :)

I'll take another round

So...I may be going into treatment again. I have my assessment appointment at an agency here in Towson on Tuesday at 10:30am. I'm waiting to hear back about another program from my therapist. My doctor wants me to go to the hospital.

I'll be in treatment. again. This time it's more of a mood thing, although my eating is certainly affected.

I wish I could just be all better and enjoy things again. That'd be awesome. Until then I guess I'll give treatment another go.

Inspirations and Influences

Why am I writing this? I don't know. My mood makes me not want to write it, that's for sure. That's not because I don't have inspirations and influences, I do. I'm not going to recycle what I wrote a few years ago, although some of those are probably the same. It's when I try to write something positive that I have an acute awareness of my depression. I feel like I may be feeling better, but I have the sense this may be a delusion to try and get me to 'fake it, till you make it'.

I'm where I am at this minute because of so many people. I would not have made it this far working through my past without my treatment team. My doctor is the reason I'm still alive today...even though my depression is bad right now, it has been so much worse. I would love to emulate my doctor one day as a therapist. She models what it means to really listen to a patient.

My work influences me everyday. Everyday I help a client I also learn from them.

School influences me. For the best and the worst I will not be the same when I leave the program as when I started.

My fiance influences me. She believes in me. I love her.

This is as far as my energy goes right now. I wish I could flesh out this right now. Sigh.

Favorite Childhood Memory

I'm thinking back, scrounging for a favorite memory of my childhood. Maybe it's the depression; depression does have a way to act as a lens that shrouds everything in darkness. But, really, there are maybe only a few good memories anyway so they're just extra hard to find.

So, instead of good memories the ones that are coming up right now are the bad ones...that's no good for the depression. Maybe if I list them here? I don't know, that'll just make everyone else depressed.

Sigh, back to the mound of schoolwork I can't wrap my head around.