In One Week

It's amazing to think I am finally returning to work after, almost, 4.5 months ago.

Over the last week I have continuously had my attention taken up by one experience to keep me from focusing too much on the next thing. This has definitely served its purpose.

The last of those events occured last night; I discharged from IOP. There are so many overwhelming things occuring in the next couple weeks.

You are not who you once were

Ever have something happen that hurts you so bad, and has been so influential to your life since, that you don't realize what is actually wrong with the picture?

Your flight/fight system reacts and you run, your shame kicks in because you should've said something, and should've been accountable and taken the consequences. For years this haunts you, it wedges its way into how you see yourself, and you don't even realize it.

Until something happens to pull the plank out.

All I wanted to do was shut down and be done. I had gotten all I could from the experience. I didn't want to share or be given advice anymore. I couldn't share and I felt guilty for who I was. I was convinced, if I just carried the lie a little longer, I would be free and everything would be ok again.

Except, if I didn't accept that this was occurring, realize how it was bringing up my past, and change my part in the outcome, the wound would fester with the added contaminant. I would have given myself another experience to add to the belief that I am worthless and a liar and unlovable.

So, this time, I stood up.

In My Chest

My heart is constricted in my chest. I'm having a moment of anxiety in which my life does not feel like my own. Life doesn't seem possible and it hurts to breathe. Motion is too scary so I sit on my couch with my legs crossed indian style, like I'm a child and the demons will get me if I put a toe on the carpet.

My fingers on the keyboard are what keep me connected to life around me. They sit on the keys because, if I lift them, I will be left alone.

My eyes burn with the tears I have not cried.

I'm not sure what to do.

At this time in my life

I've been silent for quite some time. I've read old posts and realize how my thoughts find their way to the virtual page. Most times it happens more eloquently than when I write in the pages of my journal.

My life for the last four months have been treatment and school. I haven't been to work since January 21st and, when I return, I will have been off the radar for four months. By the time I return to work I will be less than three months away from finishing the classes for my Bachelor's degree and 7 months away from finishing my internship.

The last four months I have been changing and am radically different than who I was in January. I don't know who I am, for identity is far too abstract, but I know who I am not and what I deserve.

I am not empty and I am not nothing. For so long I had seen myself as living on the peripheral of other people's life and failing their expectations but I have found myself and am able to say I have succeeded and I am successful.

My body is mine, I claim it back from those that have staked claim, or who I have surrendered it to. Those who have hurt me, betrayed me, had no right to take this away from me. I deserve to be appreciated and loved, not objectified and neglected.

I am gay. And I am able to say I have avoided intimate relationships and shut down in them, up to this point, because being so transparant with another human being has not been safe in the past, and I have not opened myself to the possibility and vulnerability to be loved. yet. I deserve to be loved and cherished.

I want to be a mom. Not to 'show up' my own mom who has never been what I need, or deserve. Not to fill the void family has not filled in my life. But to see this beautiful child grow into their own person and be a part of their growth. I want to be able to give my body over to my child as it forms inside my body, feel comfortable (at least to the point that is possible in a pregnancy), and see the process of my own body changing as beautiful.

I am not the person my family has said I am and I will never be that person. I have realized how grateful I am for this. I am forming a loving family from those around me but they will never replace those who are 'supposed' to be there. This is no fault of my own and I've accepted they will never be what I need and deserve. In the process of grieving this I have made the first real steps forward, greeted who I am meant to be, grabbed her beautiful hand, and began the journey down my own path in life. Working on becoming whole.

In The Midnight Hour

I'm sitting on my couch after showering, having stopped back by my house before heading over to my sister's. Tomorrow (today) my niece is getting Christened, the family is getting together, and I'm spending a full day with those that surround me during the holidays.

I don't really have much to say anything else at this point, I guess I just wanted to commemorate another day of the evening shift.

the sad lamp is back

At this point I have had a full 7 days of being on my new shift. I love it thus far because I can sleep without an alarm clock some mornings and know I won't be late to work. I'm giving myself a few weeks of ignoring the alarm clock on days I don't have obligations because I feel like my body is catching up from years of sleep deprivation. After the holidays I'll explore needing to get up at a reasonable hour.

The sad lamp has officially returned. It took a while and it looked at me like it was also sad because it didn't get to shine, lol.

So, I will again have sad lamp confession times as I sit in front of the lamp for 15ish minutes.

This morning I found myself reading other people's blogs instead of writing my own. It's more comfortable right now to get distracted in other people's thoughts and day-to-day than to process my own and write about them. Hell, it's easier to spend time in front of the computer on fb, pinterest, etc. as well because then I can procrastinate in all the things I really should be doing. should is too judgmental...things some part of me wants to get done

So, I'm not doing the facebook for the next week, until after christmas. 8 days...I wonder how much free time I'll have after that, lol, and how much book writing I'll get done. How much cooking, how much organizing(because I work everyday except christmas day and this thursday). That's 7 days where I have mornings to get stuff done and projects finished and it'll accumulate to Christmas day with the sister and her kids. I'm thinking I'll probably leave her house Tuesday night since I have to work Wednesday afternoon. That way I can sleep later (not like this past sunday where I was woken up at 7am) and get into work on time. Then I'll drive over after work because my mom is in town. Thursday I'll leave at 1:30 for the same reason. Friday morning I have an appt so I'll go home. spend saturday am with them, work, their house sunday...I need to be cognizant of when I have appts so I don't end up in Hamstead when I have an appt the next morning. it looks like I'll have to calendar it in my iPad...otherwise I know I will get confused.  Let me do that now...haha

ramblings

I'm laying on my couch and have hit the 'I'm not doing anything else' point of the evening. I've done a few hours of homework, cleaned some, took a nap when I got home from work...I'm trying this thing where I go to bed at a reasonable hour so this is me winding down for work tomorrow at 7am.

I miss my family. Between my sister being out of town, my training schedule for work, and both of our schedules during the week, it's been a while. I watched a video of my niece tonight of her playing with my nephew and the desire to be with them is so strong. The nice thing about having an evening schedule will be the ability to go to their house in the mornings before work on the weekends.

I love them and I'm not sure how to show this to them because I always feel so dysfunctional. The desire is there but I feel so awkward because I'm learning as an adult how to be part of a family that's healthy. I'm so grateful my niece is growing up in a stable environment, surrounded by people who love her. It's such a privilege to be a part of that.

Sometimes I'm not sure what my sister thinks of me and my struggle but recently she told me that she thinks I'm courageous and my heart warmed. My sister knows I am fighting and that I'm not a hopeless case. I love you Nikki.