Tears

I spent a long time longing for my family; craving to be held as this child yearned for her mother. Just as she has been relegated to drawing chalk images imagining the comfort she needed, I ran after mirages of what I thought my family should be. Everytime my family looked similar to what I needed I would pound the ground harder but I would arrive to find the hot sand without water to quench my thirst. 

Many tears have fallen for the family that did not exist. Each told a story of sadness, heartbreak, loss; I am an adult, however, and I refuse to be relegated to chalk drawings and lost images. 

My family will be who I choose. They will be those that love me as I am and do not judge my idiosynchracies. I deserve to be loved and I chose to seek those who will love me unconditionally.

Paving New Paths

Three weeks ago I was given the task of finding a picture that describes my life. I have, obviously, been procrastinating because I was waiting for a picture to come to me. Who would've thought it would appear through a painting I've done myself while I'm on vacation.


My vacation was a bit controversial. I thought about going a year ago, when a health condition hadn't fully presented itself. Then, this year, even though I had a condition that made it unwise to go on vacation, I decided to go anyway. My doctors and the medical professionals in my life advised against it. So, I had the god guilt because I knew it was not the best decision.

And, I proved myself wrong. It was exactly what I needed. It was a time to relax, get outside my head, think. Being in the woods, without cell phone reception, without contact with the outside world, was so refreshing. Then, in the midst of thinking about going back to my life, I started freaking out. I thought about running. I joked with the staff about hiring me and that I would live out of my suitcase.

The thing is, my problems would've just followed me down to Tennessee. I would have the same issues to muddle through wherever I go. And I realized that I didn't want my life as it was and that I wanted to quit. The time away was a moment of clarity, that I needed to make some changes.

My life is crazy, I'm not living my life in a way that's healthy for me. I don't go home after work, I go to work again. There's no privacy, I live in a shoe box, and I'm constantly on the go. While the house can be normal and quiet, it can also be stressful. I realized, I would rather work 80 hours a week and have a home to go to, then to work 20 and have another job that I live in instead. So, I'm moving. December 1st.

I admit, I felt guilty. I love the women, I love the shelter, but I need my life back. I need to start back on the road that I see before me. I need to cement recovery and pay attention to what my body is telling me. I have to start dealing with my issues, or I will always be stuck in the past.

I got over the guilt. I'm now excited for the journey again. My life, the next two months are hard. But, there's wisdom to be gained in the struggle. And despite the frustration and the knowledge I'm letting people down, I'm at peace. Because, my health is important. What I think and feel should be the direction for my life is more important than other's opions.

I love my life. :)