ramblings

I'm laying on my couch and have hit the 'I'm not doing anything else' point of the evening. I've done a few hours of homework, cleaned some, took a nap when I got home from work...I'm trying this thing where I go to bed at a reasonable hour so this is me winding down for work tomorrow at 7am.

I miss my family. Between my sister being out of town, my training schedule for work, and both of our schedules during the week, it's been a while. I watched a video of my niece tonight of her playing with my nephew and the desire to be with them is so strong. The nice thing about having an evening schedule will be the ability to go to their house in the mornings before work on the weekends.

I love them and I'm not sure how to show this to them because I always feel so dysfunctional. The desire is there but I feel so awkward because I'm learning as an adult how to be part of a family that's healthy. I'm so grateful my niece is growing up in a stable environment, surrounded by people who love her. It's such a privilege to be a part of that.

Sometimes I'm not sure what my sister thinks of me and my struggle but recently she told me that she thinks I'm courageous and my heart warmed. My sister knows I am fighting and that I'm not a hopeless case. I love you Nikki.