Saturday, April 14, 2012


So, In a couple days I will start Intensive Out Patient for my eating disorder. My hours have been reduced and I hopefully find out by tuesday what kind of hours they will be asking me to reduce to. The person that notified me of my admission said there weren't any restrictions as long as you could get to the program. I don't know that she knows the specific policy but I'll find out.

 I guess, if there isn't a restriction, I'll have to ask the attending doctor to write me one and fill out my FMLA paperwork because I will try and work the 40+ hours a week and do treatment at the same time. Something tells me being at work at 6am and not getting home until 8 pm is not conducive to recovery or meal planning.

I am currently oscillating between the hope that this will help and the desire to just stay here; stay sick. On my admission paperwork we had to carefully word the answers because I could've been hospitalized. I guess it's supposed to be more therapeutic to do more time in IOP than to have to spend time in IP/PHP. Less drama. The trick is to not get admitted to a higher level of care now that I've finally been placed in IOP.

I'm scared to be me right now. Scared to try. To get up, dust myself off, and start moving again. The people in my life won't let me give up though. In fact I told my doctor I wish she'd just give up on me and she then spent 90minutes the next day filling out my paperwork with me so I didn't have to wait for an admissions facilitator. My primary doctor drove me across town to protect me. No amount of planning and preparation takes away the sting of loss; I'm trying to remember this. I know my coworkers, friends, family would miss me. I just wish I missed me too.

Friday, April 6, 2012


Part of my blog is a participation piece with an inspirational idea group. But, I'm struggling to actually write about the last two topics: something positive about ourselves, and what super power we'd have.

I had an experience this past week when I realized that other's perceptions of me differ from my own. Not that I think they are right. In fact I think they are quite skewed. But it made me think. The sentiment of the conversation was the VP of HR telling me that it's validating when I couldn't even have the chance to put in an application for an opportunity before everyone had already nominated me. This was the one comment that caused me to pause in my deliberations; I realized how much people think of me and that they would actually miss me after I'm gone.

The other. I don't want a superpower. I really don't. But I think this is more the "I don't see myself actually being around to use it, so what's the point".

I'm mostly at peace with my decisions right now. I know that I need to unpack my apartment because I would rather leave it clean than a half-cluttered mess to be sorted through. I know I need to write a will. I want to make sure I tie up loose ends.

Sunday, April 1, 2012

Graduation Day

Despite my crazy life I have followed roads to their completion. I finished high school, graduated from basic training, received my cosmetology license. But these things were missing an important element-me.

In high school, I finished a semester early and joined the military. My friends walked across the stage without me and I received my diploma in a harrowing experience by notarized permission to my sister to pick it up. Because I couldn't get home to receive it.

In basic training I finished. But I was part of the 'band'. I say 'band' because I was part of the music flight. But, I was also deemed overweight and the day musical instruments were selected I was getting my body fat read. I was delegated the prestigious position of horn holder. The spot given to those who don't get an instrument and stand in the back of the flight holding a horn and acting like they are playing. I. am. I couldn't even see the graduation of my fellow airmen.

Hair school was, well, hair school. I finished it because every time I thought of quitting I heard the song "beauty school drop out" in my head. But, there are no finishing accolades for completing the curriculum. 

College was different. Of course, I finished it like everything else I've been through. But it says something that I hit my first tumultuous struggle in the midst of the degree program and I still finished. In the process of finding myself my resolve to finish school grew stronger. On the journey of realizing my past my present and future became more real. For the first time I walked across a stage, received my degree, and moved my tassel. My degree is really the only time I have actually been present in my accomplishment.

It's through this process I really overcame a piece of myself and it's something I can say I'm proud of even as I try and minimize how important it is. In that one day I completed everything I had struggled with, everything I was afraid of was overcome, and every dream was realized.