Saturday, April 14, 2012


So, In a couple days I will start Intensive Out Patient for my eating disorder. My hours have been reduced and I hopefully find out by tuesday what kind of hours they will be asking me to reduce to. The person that notified me of my admission said there weren't any restrictions as long as you could get to the program. I don't know that she knows the specific policy but I'll find out.

 I guess, if there isn't a restriction, I'll have to ask the attending doctor to write me one and fill out my FMLA paperwork because I will try and work the 40+ hours a week and do treatment at the same time. Something tells me being at work at 6am and not getting home until 8 pm is not conducive to recovery or meal planning.

I am currently oscillating between the hope that this will help and the desire to just stay here; stay sick. On my admission paperwork we had to carefully word the answers because I could've been hospitalized. I guess it's supposed to be more therapeutic to do more time in IOP than to have to spend time in IP/PHP. Less drama. The trick is to not get admitted to a higher level of care now that I've finally been placed in IOP.

I'm scared to be me right now. Scared to try. To get up, dust myself off, and start moving again. The people in my life won't let me give up though. In fact I told my doctor I wish she'd just give up on me and she then spent 90minutes the next day filling out my paperwork with me so I didn't have to wait for an admissions facilitator. My primary doctor drove me across town to protect me. No amount of planning and preparation takes away the sting of loss; I'm trying to remember this. I know my coworkers, friends, family would miss me. I just wish I missed me too.

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