It's hard just 'being' right now.
I feel like I have two lives running on different tracks.
There's the life that everyone sees. The smiling face. The 4.0 college senior. Employee of the year. Joyful, energetic.
Then there's the person hiding behind the facade. The one who is stuck in the middle of a briar patch, looking for a way out of the pain. The one who is trying to find herself underneath the emptiness. Find hope. Find freedom.
These two people don't intersect. Even with my team of individuals that are helping to guide me to a more authentic self receive the first person more often than not. I don't know how to put the emotion and truthfulness into what I am saying. I don't know how to reach those deepest hurts.
And I wonder why I keep lying. To myself. To those around me. It felt easier for so long and now that it's so hard on me I'm still not sure how to stop.