Sunday, October 30, 2011

Perpetual Senior

I had this written a couple weeks ago. But I couldn't post it. And now it's no longer accurate because where I was two weeks ago is completely different from where I am now. I'm living in the repercussions of decisions made last week and two weeks ago.

I'm still burned out. This is manifested in my inability to journal, my inability to finish blogs, and my inability to look at DBT skills too closely. I also can't seem to open my mouth to friends and let them know how I am feeling. I'm still not in therapy. I've realized what a week without the unconditional person to listen to does to my stress level. Do I go back though? No, I still have another 2 weeks until I go back. If I decide I need a break, I'll follow through that decision. I did decide to go ahead and keep my dietitian appointment for this coming week, even though it goes against my desire to take a break from treatment for a month.

Work is there: I am in the process of auditioning for the Disney transforming the workplace at my hospital. If selected I will be one of 25 associates part of these groups that will change how my hospital works with others.

My other 'job' is still a part of my life. It will be for the foreseeable future. Against all desire to actually stay I find myself stuck here. The rental fell through. Every place I had a desire to buy fell through for one reason, or another. In reality, the shelter is not bad and is a blessing in many ways, especially on my pocket. But I want my wings, I want to fly.

Oh, and I'm accepted into school. It's weird, seeing senior next to my name on my transcripts now. I am a college senior. I have enough college credits, enough life experience, that I should have a degree. Of course, I will be a senior for the next 18 months as I finish the requirements for my degree. And I currently have a 0.0. I need to talk to someone about 4.0 WILL transfer dang it. And I'm crazy enough to take 3 classes in spring. I will need coffee. lots of coffee.

So, that's where I am now. In lieu of getting this out to you all before my life changes and this is no longer accurate, I am not posting much effort.

Saturday, October 8, 2011


Running a hundred different directions
Without a clear path 
Or staying still for a moment
and being stuck for a lifetime

Going through struggles
with lack of insight
Facing illness
without love by my side.

Never completing something of significance
Living in mediocrity
going insane
not working

Growing old without knowing who I am
leaving behind broken hearts 
and unfufilled dreams.

Giving everything I have during the day
Being surrounded by people
Just to go home at night alone
And to cry from the loneliness.

Fears are the small things

the thoughts that slip in unnoticed 
Unwanted violations
against the light of day.

Friday, October 7, 2011

Paving New Paths

Three weeks ago I was given the task of finding a picture that describes my life. I have, obviously, been procrastinating because I was waiting for a picture to come to me. Who would've thought it would appear through a painting I've done myself while I'm on vacation.

My vacation was a bit controversial. I thought about going a year ago, when a health condition hadn't fully presented itself. Then, this year, even though I had a condition that made it unwise to go on vacation, I decided to go anyway. My doctors and the medical professionals in my life advised against it. So, I had the god guilt because I knew it was not the best decision.

And, I proved myself wrong. It was exactly what I needed. It was a time to relax, get outside my head, think. Being in the woods, without cell phone reception, without contact with the outside world, was so refreshing. Then, in the midst of thinking about going back to my life, I started freaking out. I thought about running. I joked with the staff about hiring me and that I would live out of my suitcase.

The thing is, my problems would've just followed me down to Tennessee. I would have the same issues to muddle through wherever I go. And I realized that I didn't want my life as it was and that I wanted to quit. The time away was a moment of clarity, that I needed to make some changes.

My life is crazy, I'm not living my life in a way that's healthy for me. I don't go home after work, I go to work again. There's no privacy, I live in a shoe box, and I'm constantly on the go. While the house can be normal and quiet, it can also be stressful. I realized, I would rather work 80 hours a week and have a home to go to, then to work 20 and have another job that I live in instead. So, I'm moving. December 1st.

I admit, I felt guilty. I love the women, I love the shelter, but I need my life back. I need to start back on the road that I see before me. I need to cement recovery and pay attention to what my body is telling me. I have to start dealing with my issues, or I will always be stuck in the past.

I got over the guilt. I'm now excited for the journey again. My life, the next two months are hard. But, there's wisdom to be gained in the struggle. And despite the frustration and the knowledge I'm letting people down, I'm at peace. Because, my health is important. What I think and feel should be the direction for my life is more important than other's opions.

I love my life. :)