I am at odds with myself. I’m ok. My job provides a stable, livable income, and wonderful benefits. I do things that are meaningful in the eyes of others. I draw and paint and read and write.
The thing I’m having trouble articulating is, why is it not enough? I realize fully that this is not the end of my journey. I’m not going to be where I am right now forever. One day I will have an advanced degree and what I’m doing now will be an excellent foundation for where I want to go. I just feel stuck. Every moment drags on, each day feels as if it will never end.
There’s no difference between working and not working for me.
Essentially I go from my paid position at a hospital to my unpaid position as a live-in advocate at a shelter. I’m on 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
Sure, I take weekends/days off to spend with my family. I’m able to get in a relationship with somebody, go on dates with them, and I ALWAYS have Wednesdays off. But, even when I have the weekends off, even when I have Wednesdays off, I’m still not able to shut myself off.
Wednesday is my recovery day, the day I have therapy and group support and monthly appointments with my doctors. The weekends, even if there’s NOTHING going on at the shelter, I’m still not able to just get away for the day without clearing it ahead of time.
I’m sure my wanderlust has to do
with my constant transition from thing to thing to thing. From the time I was 16 until I was 24 I never lived in one house/state/appt/barracks for more than a year. And then you look at my jobs. I have held a total of 25 jobs in my lifetime. Not including working in my parents shop before I was 16. That’s 25 jobs in the span of 11 years. The longest I have been at one place was when I was active duty air force. I was in the military for a total of 26 months and I spent a majority of the time trying to get another position/get out. Besides that, I’ve only been at a job more than a year twice: this job, and one I was in 5 years ago.
I don’t know how to reconcile my past with my ‘here and now’ and I know that it’s a necessity in order to thrive. I’m tired of just surviving. But, where does one start to dig in order to uncover the root of a behavior/action/attitude? What kind of shovel do you use? Do you start with a shovel? Or with something able to make more precise engravings, like a spoon?