Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Dreaming weird dreams

So, I just woke up from a 'full night' of dreams.

I had only been asleep for an hour maybe. But in the dreaming time I 'woke up' several times and every time I went back to sleep I dreamnt a different dream. ( I feel like I should turn into a musical right here)

Those nights are intense, I woke up in a sweat and had to make sure I didn't pee myself, lol.

I'm going to go ahead and do homework with the hope I can go back to sleep in a couple hours (since I have to be back at 0700) but here's a very quick outline.

Dream one (repeat and adding more every time): Almost a game theme where I was running away from a guy who had one of those fbi pieces in his ear. He was talking to another one who were both searching for me. I kept dying because the guy caught up with me and it would be a repeat of sorts like it was set on a rut...until I tricked him by changing it up just enough that he would 'lose' me and I would get a little further. It had several different landscapes, including woods and parking garages.

Then the other one was similar but I was actually playing a game and I had a live dimensional robot counterpart to the one that was killing me in my dream.

I also had a dream where I had gotten together with a group of friends like I had been doing for the last couple weeks. I had wanted to cancel because I have so much work do and I haven't had time to do it. But I got together with them. At one point we were talking new years eve plans. They asked me if I were going to our old church's new years eve service. And I was all 'no I don't go there anymore' I had flashes of living at the shelter where I worked, living in the house, the fact we didn't have a dishwasher and sometimes had to use bleach for dishes because we would run out of laundry soup

We were planning on getting together but I remembered my mom was going to be in town. Fast forward to new years and I left my sister's house to see the CAD who works for genesis but is on leave because she had a baby. I went to see the baby and apologized for not getting there sooner.

In the 'waking up' parts I would dream that I had a one bedroom and I kept seeing the door left open and there were animals outside that did not belong to me. I would also dream that I felt like I had to go to the bathroom kind of intense like but I would go back to sleep instead. **

I feel like there was even more. but I really should do some homework with this energy.

Monday, November 26, 2012

November twenty-sixth

When most people have a Thanksgiving weekend, I worked both Thursday and Friday. It was interesting because one of the pediatricians was talking with me and expressed his condolences for me because I had to work on the holiday. And then I told him I had a research paper to write, with several resources not even found yet, and a little over a week to write it. At this point he told me to use my time 'wisely', lol

And I did. I pulled out quotes from articles and put it into an outline and blocked out the sections of the paper. By the time I left Friday I only had a couple more resources to look at.

Saturday and Sunday I worked on my paper and now I am at having half of the rough draft done. The rest is outlined, I just have to finish it.


Sometimes I think of the plans I make for my own life and the goals I set along the way; milestones I want to hit so I know I'm accomplishing what I have set to do. I need to remember that my life is not like a paper though. For how much I 'outline' my life I cannot push to the finish line just to have it done.

There's a joy in the journey, so I'm told, lol.

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

November Twentieth

Welcome back to the confessions of the lamp. I was able to get up today but it cannot, in anyway, be contributed to the lamp because I haven't used it in a couple weeks. I am trying this thing where I become a morning person even though it will not be useful when i work nights. Although, maybe it will and I'll be able to work on no fuel. That thought is definitely already planted.

The next 4 weeks are so chaotic and I'm tired thinking about it. 40+ hours a week of training, plus the last few weeks of school, plus recovery, plus trying to not be a total recluse. Isolating may definitely occur though because I have three papers due over the next few weeks and I've barely started on one.

I'm trying to think this is doable. I'm not doing homework after 10pm and I'm trying to be in bed by 11. I do some kind of art/self-care for a while after I do homework. I only clean in 10 minute spurts (ha,ha). It doesn't feel like enough though. And I don't have time to go to the gym. My apartment is still a mess. The homework feels like it isn't getting done. But I can only do so much.

Treatment is. I have been dropping weight and I like this but being an eating disorder patient makes this a bad thing. I know my team is going to be frustrated with me because my new position makes it really easy to go without eating for extended periods. I mean yesterday I only ate 1/4bag salad, half a scone, and a small bag of animal crackers over my 8 hours of work. I did eat a regular meal when I got home though, that counts right?

This post definitely reflects the chaotic nature of my apartment, my job, treatment, my brain. I wish I could call in crazy to work. :)

Maybe I'll make more sense tomorrow.

Saturday, November 17, 2012

November 17th

Alas, this is not a SAD lamp chronicle, just a short update.

I haven't used this 'wonderous' lamp since thursdayish... life is crazy, hectic even, but that's how it is.

Hopefully I will get back on the homeopathic train tomorrow.

Thursday, November 15, 2012

At War With My Breasts

I walked into the store paranoid of the people who weren't actually looking at me. Anxiously finding my way to the intimate section of the store. As I looked for my 'new' size people would enter the same row and stand next to me; I was ashamed of my size, the fact I had to look over every rack to find something that wasn't too flashy or really bland, and I could sense my ineptitude sweating from my pores.

This is the current outing in an attempt to call truce with my chest. I am in no way accepting them and I still very-much-so detest what they have done to me, but I am conceding into their demands for room, for space.

The part of me that understands what bodies are meant to do and be realizes my breasts haven't done anything to me. If anything there should be a certain amount of irritation I found out at 28 that I am bigger than I thought. But, it isn't my boobs fault. They are supposed to be a sign of health and a source of comfort and nutrition to children, not an object I want to lob off if I had the opportunity. Just because I have been viewed as a sexual object doesn't mean I have to view them the same way.

Space, that's all they are asking for. Not to get bigger. Not to just keep going up in size. But what they haven't ever had because they were stuffed into a 'box' too small in which to breathe. So I am giving this to them in the same way I should have been given what I needed growing up.

Saturday, November 10, 2012

November tenth

I digress that the last couple posts are not, in fact, SAD lamp confessions. My internal clock is all kinds of fucked up because of the 2 hour difference I've put it through; we'll have to see what this does to me next week when I'm thrust forward 2 hours again. Probably some sleeplessness and needing of some SAD lamp time.

The crazy in me is thinking about the fact I have my gym bag in my car and can run by for a quick work out/time in the tanning bed before bed...since it's only going to be 9pm for my internal clock when I get home Monday night. Maybe it'll help me relax, maybe it'll quiet the screaming voice in my head that's worried about the ten pounds it's sure I've gained.

It's good being home because I have friends that know me and my insecurities, that don't allow me to succumb to them, and love me in spite of my self-hatred.

I'm glad I came home. I started out the trip unsure but I'm so glad I  took the time to come back

Friday, November 9, 2012

November Ninth

Arizona rain

The ground wakes up in anticipation for its long lost love,
giving off a scent to greet the falling rain.

The rain cleanses.

As gravity takes the drops to the ground
the rain holds hands with its friend,
and together with the dirt, they greet the earth.

The rain quiets

Barking dogs,
screaming children,
loud thoughts and aching hearts,
all are silenced by the sound of water falling.

Left behind is a fresh smell, clean face, and new perspective.

I have missed the Arizona rain.

Thursday, November 8, 2012

November Eighth

Going Home

Well, I woke up on time again today.

At this time this evening I will be on a plane flying West. I'm going home.

There was a lot of excitement about being in Arizona again. I haven't been in my stomping ground in over two years. I'm going to be staying with a dear friend I haven't seen since I moved back to Maryland over four years ago. Going to her hippie wedding reception because her and her husband got married in the court house a couple weeks ago. Seeing my mentor-turned-into-a-friend and spending time with her children.

Just for a weekend. Just long enough to breathe in the Arizona sunshine and remember the desert floor.

This has been a hard week. I can still cry on cue about all that Sunday represents and last night I gained a little more insight (and a little more weight, apparently) on why I might be having body image issues.

The last time I was on a plane flying home was when I was going there to be at my step-father's death bed; I went home to say goodbye; I returned to Maryland with my step-father's ashes as a fellow passenger.

He is one of the reasons I think my thighs are wide and my butt is huge. His comments are part of the reason I don't want to have a chest, I don't want to have womanly curves, and I don't want to be seen as sexy. I'm still waiting for his intended promise that when I turn 18 he will sell me to playboy.

He sexualized me at a young age and then started calling me fat when I went into puberty, a time when my body was changing and I was already insecure. He never followed through on his promise before he died and the little voice in my head that is my eating disorder says it's because he stopped seeing me as beautiful when I started gaining weight.

Well, that's enough for today's SAD lamp confessions. Till tomorrow

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

November Seventh

I woke up this morning at four am. FOUR AM.

I don't think this is related to the lamp. But, maybe the actually getting out of bed was. Time will tell.

Last night was difficult.

I spent the session crying so hard. so hard.

I would forget to breathe in spasms of trying to stop the tears. It's was as if I remembered to breathe the sobs would come forth as well.

Two weeks ago I shared something so deep it has been reverberating since. I've had treatment dreams, the storm just furthered the confusion. I had decided to tell further what had been sitting on me but then my heart was broken because of a circumstance at work and my soul was broken because of my body's betrayal.

I had never hated my body so completely and fully. The eating disorder had manifested in distaste for body parts but never have I so wholly felt like I wanted to escape my skin.

My therapist gave me this as I left, it's the title of a chapter in a book:

"Ugly needs, ugly me: Anxious Attachment & Shame"

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

November sixth

I was not about waking up today. My alarms went off. I even woke up before my alarm that I had set up earlier so I could get some cleaning done. Then I ignored my alarm for two hours.

Anyway, here are some quotes I found from my class I actually like:

"Beginnings are exciting! They are the starting points of a brand new life. Each new step has challenges and opportunities of its own. But that first step really takes a lot of faith." (Hindson, 17)

"The power of our faith rests in the object of our faith. At the foundation of all love is a belief in the object that is loved. If I do not believe in a person, I cannot love him." (Hindson, 18)

" People also are continually changing. Living organisms are not static; they do not stay the same. Change comes when we willingly grow and improve." (Hindson, 19)

It involves several key elements:

1. Honest view of the past- Sometimes the "good old days" weren't as good as we like to remember. We need a realistic understanding of the past to move on to something better in the future. There is nothing worse than being stuck in a rut of nostalgia where we mythologize the past and refuse to deal with the present.

2. Dissatisfaction with the present. We won't change as long as we are satisfied with the way things are. There is something wholesome in a dissatisfaction with the status quo. Good leaders always ask how they can improve and make things better. Unless we begin asking the tough questions now, we may wait too long to take action.

3. Hope for the future. Great leaders are always optimistic about the future. They embrace it and make the most of it. They realize that change is a necessary part of personal improvement.

I don't have a full fifteen minutes today. this is it.

Monday, November 5, 2012

November fifth

Yesterday I received a huge blow to my system. My whole life I had believed one thing about myself to find out it wasn't true last night.

I went to dinner with friends and had a couple drinks. I decided, since I was drunk and we were in the mall, I would go to Victoria Secret and get fitted for a bra. It's something I've never done and I realized I'd probably been wearing the wrong size. I'm not sure what I was expecting when I did this but it was a shock to my system.

Friends tried to console me saying they wish they had breasts, boobs are sexy, and they are desired in a relationship. Last night I was told my chest hadn't been given enough breathing room...if I wore bras the way they are supposed to be worn, my chest would stick out even further.

I don't like boobs. I have stretch marks on mine from when I was even bigger. In addition, I'm working through tough issues in therapy that have to do with body image and wanting to be as asexual as possible to keep myself safe.

I flipped my shit. Well, first I numbed out until I was alone. As soon as I was alone I started freaking out. Being in treatment for an eating disorder and having huge body image issues collided with a fact I can't assimilate into my view of myself. I realize this is a fact, not liking it will not change it, but I still want to try.

I left a voicemail for my therapist and told her I was quitting treatment. I'm definitely not listening to my dietitian now that I know what gaining weight will mean for me. If I'm not listening to my treatment team I become a liability to them and my solution is to stop seeing them so I'm not a liability

Of course, my therapist called me. Quitting therapy was discussed within the conversation and I told her I would quit trying to quit (lol). But, further, I talked through the experience with someone who knows what this meant for me. She reiterated to me she was glad I called her and to tell her I was struggling instead of pushing her away until I took it in and could say it back to her.

As I wrap up this session of SAD lamp confessions I will say this; this issue is going to sit with me for a while. I want to flip my shit now and I'm feeling overwhelmed. And I left the bra in my trunk...I'm safer that way.

Dream: I was running, I walked out back entrances at Walmart. I was 'stealing' my stepdads truck to find something? I was helping a man find different herbs on the country side to save his daughter? I only remember pieces of last night.

Sunday, November 4, 2012

November fourth (this will end up being a multi-day long-as-fuck post, sorry)

This might not make sense for several days fyi ( I know it's going to take more than one 15min session) and it will be long by the time I'm done, I'm sure.

Well, I slept in yesterday and did not have time to do the lamp before I got to my sister's house. I don't know if the lamp is working but, I guess, I need to give it more time.

Today I'm going to talk about dreams I've had over the weekend.

Yesterday I dreamt about binging on coffee roll donuts. It was a really weird dream because my step-dad was there and I was living with him and my mother again...kind of. I have a recurring dream regarding apartments and in the dream I had my own place. It reminded me of my efficiency now because of the size but it must've had a bedroom because you couldn't see it or the bathroom door from the front door.

Today I dreamed I upset my mom because I told her I could explain the policy regarding visitors on the pediatric unit. My mom was working with me I guess, or she was a person that very much so reminded me of my mom. I started explaining the why's only three visitors could go back at a time and trying to tell the visitor the rest of the individuals could not go back. I was already allowing four visitors into the room because one of them was a young child. But the person wasn't respecting/understanding the rule and I kept having to reiterate it in different ways. In the midst of this my mom started speaking over me and trying to tell the lady the policy and I told her 'I have this, I'm in the midst of explaining it, please don't talk over me'. She got soooo mad she took her box of cereal (?) and left to go to another floor. The lady looked at me like I was wrong and I tried to say this was a common thing for her to do. When I went over to the table she had left the bowl of honey grahams she had poured on the counter. I looked at it and thought of what a ditz she was.

It was definitely a work centered dream so it was almost a relief of sorts, lol. It probably had a spin off of Sandy because there was a dejavue feel between the 'days' in the dream. The other part of the dream included my coworker that works the night shift. She is a nice person but I spend most days frustrated with her because she doesn't do her job. She was having issues regarding other people at work/in the community (I'm not sure) and she ended up trying to report it to work each day. One of the days she was saying something to the supervisor that particular shift and she hung up upset. The essence of this conversation...

I have this thing going on with my forehead. It's not a breakout per say but I'm hoping it's not a rash. I'm on a medication known to cause rashes that are serious. I'm thinking this is not that but I'm not telling my doctor either. Even the inkling of a rash means she'll take me off the med cold turkey. I've done this before with a sister med and it wasn't pretty. Also, I'm scared the reaction will be bad because the medication mitght also be working.

Friday, November 2, 2012

November Second

Well, today I did wake up a little easier. It's only 6:30am, which is a start...the time it took me to get up from my alarm could be equated to hitting the snooze button a couple times. I don't know that it is light related though, that's why I'm giving it till the end of the month.

School, weight, treatment, and changing positions are the topics that are on the front burners for me right now.

Changing positions. This is going to be great for me because I will be moving to an evening position and will not be pressured to get up to my alarm. Maybe I'll actually get up to the alarm at the time I need to get to work now, lol. It also means a pay raise, more responsibility, and giving me space from the people that make me uncomfortable.

It also gives me the time to go to the gym more exhaustively, the excuse to isolate (because everyone works during the day...duh), and make it easier to restrict. Score one for the eating disorder.

Weight loss and treatment are both first in line on the thought process. I have treatment dreams all the time regarding the higher levels of care I was in before, including the appearances of treatment teams from the programs. Sometimes I remember these dreams very explicitly and sometimes I only remember pieces; remembering the treatment professional.

In one sense, it freaks me out. But I realize denying I need the help during the day is manifesting at night, when I sleep. I don't need help, I don't have an eating disorder, and I'm fat all play out when I dream at night. I've even quit treatment in one...I woke up from this one and was almost disappointed when it wasn't true.

The number is going down so I am focusing on it even more. I'm trying to keep a goal that my dietitian set and am not weighing myself every morning...most of the time. It's so hard because I want to make sure I didn't gain.

My stomach hurts this morning because I ate a snack last night. I ate it right before I laid down because I knew I would wake up in the middle of the night starving if I didn't. But now the food is sitting heavy in my stomach and I want to skip breakfast. And so goes the restricting process.

I'll talk about school on to the rest of my day.

Thursday, November 1, 2012

November First

I've decided to chronicle my mornings in front of my SAD lamp for you all, we'll see if it starts to work. Each morning for 15 minutes, I'm supposed to sit in front of the lamp. My doctor wants to see if it helps with my depression, my exhaustion, my inability to wake up, etc. So, each morning for 15 minutes I will chronicle what's going on.

Yesterday I woke up an hour late...All my alarms went off, I just didn't get up to them. I have been worried that this would eventually happen because I had not been getting up even though I have at least three alarms set. Thankfully it was the morning after craziness at work and it was one of those 'you obviously need the rest'. And I was only 11 minutes late. This doesn't seem like a lot but you have to take into account I got up at 735 and got into my car at 743. Which means I got to work in under 30 minutes. I booooooooked it.

This morning I did wake up, not to my alarm clock...rather, I heard it and woke up in a sense, but my subconscious said a loud FU and I got up at 640. I've changed the settings on my alarms to make them more annoying and we'll see if this helps tomorrow. Because I am sitting in front of the lamp for 15 minutes and I had to shower, I will have about 7 minutes to get dressed and pack food.

My eating disorder loves this. I have enough time to throw the bag of carrots in my bag...maybe make a sandwich if it lets me, and pick out the yogurt I have left in the fridge. At the same time, I need to try this before I see my doctor and I'm hoping I will eventually get up earlier. Hopefully I'm also at a healthier place so I will take the time to eat. We shall see. Until then score for the weight loss.