November fifth

Yesterday I received a huge blow to my system. My whole life I had believed one thing about myself to find out it wasn't true last night.

I went to dinner with friends and had a couple drinks. I decided, since I was drunk and we were in the mall, I would go to Victoria Secret and get fitted for a bra. It's something I've never done and I realized I'd probably been wearing the wrong size. I'm not sure what I was expecting when I did this but it was a shock to my system.

Friends tried to console me saying they wish they had breasts, boobs are sexy, and they are desired in a relationship. Last night I was told my chest hadn't been given enough breathing room...if I wore bras the way they are supposed to be worn, my chest would stick out even further.

I don't like boobs. I have stretch marks on mine from when I was even bigger. In addition, I'm working through tough issues in therapy that have to do with body image and wanting to be as asexual as possible to keep myself safe.

I flipped my shit. Well, first I numbed out until I was alone. As soon as I was alone I started freaking out. Being in treatment for an eating disorder and having huge body image issues collided with a fact I can't assimilate into my view of myself. I realize this is a fact, not liking it will not change it, but I still want to try.

I left a voicemail for my therapist and told her I was quitting treatment. I'm definitely not listening to my dietitian now that I know what gaining weight will mean for me. If I'm not listening to my treatment team I become a liability to them and my solution is to stop seeing them so I'm not a liability

Of course, my therapist called me. Quitting therapy was discussed within the conversation and I told her I would quit trying to quit (lol). But, further, I talked through the experience with someone who knows what this meant for me. She reiterated to me she was glad I called her and to tell her I was struggling instead of pushing her away until I took it in and could say it back to her.

As I wrap up this session of SAD lamp confessions I will say this; this issue is going to sit with me for a while. I want to flip my shit now and I'm feeling overwhelmed. And I left the bra in my trunk...I'm safer that way.

Dream: I was running, I walked out back entrances at Walmart. I was 'stealing' my stepdads truck to find something? I was helping a man find different herbs on the country side to save his daughter? I only remember pieces of last night.