Friday, November 2, 2012

November Second

Well, today I did wake up a little easier. It's only 6:30am, which is a start...the time it took me to get up from my alarm could be equated to hitting the snooze button a couple times. I don't know that it is light related though, that's why I'm giving it till the end of the month.

School, weight, treatment, and changing positions are the topics that are on the front burners for me right now.

Changing positions. This is going to be great for me because I will be moving to an evening position and will not be pressured to get up to my alarm. Maybe I'll actually get up to the alarm at the time I need to get to work now, lol. It also means a pay raise, more responsibility, and giving me space from the people that make me uncomfortable.

It also gives me the time to go to the gym more exhaustively, the excuse to isolate (because everyone works during the day...duh), and make it easier to restrict. Score one for the eating disorder.

Weight loss and treatment are both first in line on the thought process. I have treatment dreams all the time regarding the higher levels of care I was in before, including the appearances of treatment teams from the programs. Sometimes I remember these dreams very explicitly and sometimes I only remember pieces; remembering the treatment professional.

In one sense, it freaks me out. But I realize denying I need the help during the day is manifesting at night, when I sleep. I don't need help, I don't have an eating disorder, and I'm fat all play out when I dream at night. I've even quit treatment in one...I woke up from this one and was almost disappointed when it wasn't true.

The number is going down so I am focusing on it even more. I'm trying to keep a goal that my dietitian set and am not weighing myself every morning...most of the time. It's so hard because I want to make sure I didn't gain.

My stomach hurts this morning because I ate a snack last night. I ate it right before I laid down because I knew I would wake up in the middle of the night starving if I didn't. But now the food is sitting heavy in my stomach and I want to skip breakfast. And so goes the restricting process.

I'll talk about school on to the rest of my day.

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