November Seventh

I woke up this morning at four am. FOUR AM.

I don't think this is related to the lamp. But, maybe the actually getting out of bed was. Time will tell.

Last night was difficult.

I spent the session crying so hard. so hard.

I would forget to breathe in spasms of trying to stop the tears. It's was as if I remembered to breathe the sobs would come forth as well.

Two weeks ago I shared something so deep it has been reverberating since. I've had treatment dreams, the storm just furthered the confusion. I had decided to tell further what had been sitting on me but then my heart was broken because of a circumstance at work and my soul was broken because of my body's betrayal.

I had never hated my body so completely and fully. The eating disorder had manifested in distaste for body parts but never have I so wholly felt like I wanted to escape my skin.

My therapist gave me this as I left, it's the title of a chapter in a book:

"Ugly needs, ugly me: Anxious Attachment & Shame"