All my friends are dead

I find myself at the precipice of many things. Crossroads at work, crossroads in treatment, crossroads in relationships, crossroads in school.

I have been withdrawing into myself. Trying to attain things that don't really matter, that I've lost. It's easier to long after these things because my life is stressful. I have SO many good things going on but they are still acting as a catalyst for my actions. Of course, they are only changing into stumbling blocks because I have chosen to let them.

I've been here before. It's comforting. It's familiar. Even when the outcome of the actions hurt me, don't make me feel good, are damaging to my life, they are still what I know. It's like going back to the partner that beats you. You keep going back because of the desire for it to be different Even though you know, you know, it's going to be exactly the same. You keep doing the same thing expecting a different result...insane.

The really pitiful part, for me, is that I know everytime I go back to this a part of me that is my friend, my alli, dies. And if it's not some part of me, it's a relationship, being able to chase after dreams, looking for life turns to ashes. I wish I cared for these things because cognitively I realize it's only so long before "All My Friends are Dead"