I am worth it

I came to a full awareness of something yesterday... I don't want to recover from my eating disorder because I feel I will always be suffering with my other illness and food is the one thing I can control. I also feel like there was no point because I had just repeated a cycle of 5 years, almost to the day, of the same thing that happened. I feel like giving up. I said this to my doctor. I also told her I felt more crazy this week than I did when I was taken to the hospital last week and I don't know what to do with myself.

The truth is, I have had some form of an eating disorder my WHOLE life. Healthy eating was not modeled growing up. And then I lost weight with 'diets' to extremes. Even when I thought I was healthy I had a friend tell me yesterday 'no, you had an eating disorder. I told you that a while ago and you've had it, in some form the entire time I've known you'

I am soooooooo very fortunate for what did not happen last week but I'm also fortunate for what did: I was awakened to how serious my issue actually is.

The last year I have been in out patient treatment for an eating disorder. I've had some good months regarding recovery but more blazefere days and bad months. I have also overbooked myself in attempts to run from myself and dealing with what I have going on (another friend said he wondered why I always had myself on high speed. And yet another say he thought I had so much on my plate but he thought I might have been ok). I have been minimizing my problem and fooling no one but, maybe,  me.

I went appointment to return to work and was not because my doctor saw I was not ready. And I thought I was making too much of what was going on, but I wasn't. I then talked to others in my medical team and the most recent one had said that my decline had started happening much longer than a month ago, I just wasn't willing to do anything.

So, I know I NEED recovery. I don't necessarily want it completely. But I know that I am worth it. I also realized by almost losing my job from poor decisions last week that the fear of losing my job for a higher level of care meant nothing if I lost my job from not going anything. And what good is a job, a space in this world, if you're not really living in it?

I am going to recover because I don't want to hit a milestone five years from now and realize I've been circling to the same point. I don't want to be on automatic pilot anymore. The next five years have come up a lot in this blog. And I want to say five years from now that this is the time I really started living.