In The Midnight Hour

I'm sitting on my couch after showering, having stopped back by my house before heading over to my sister's. Tomorrow (today) my niece is getting Christened, the family is getting together, and I'm spending a full day with those that surround me during the holidays.

I don't really have much to say anything else at this point, I guess I just wanted to commemorate another day of the evening shift.

the sad lamp is back

At this point I have had a full 7 days of being on my new shift. I love it thus far because I can sleep without an alarm clock some mornings and know I won't be late to work. I'm giving myself a few weeks of ignoring the alarm clock on days I don't have obligations because I feel like my body is catching up from years of sleep deprivation. After the holidays I'll explore needing to get up at a reasonable hour.

The sad lamp has officially returned. It took a while and it looked at me like it was also sad because it didn't get to shine, lol.

So, I will again have sad lamp confession times as I sit in front of the lamp for 15ish minutes.

This morning I found myself reading other people's blogs instead of writing my own. It's more comfortable right now to get distracted in other people's thoughts and day-to-day than to process my own and write about them. Hell, it's easier to spend time in front of the computer on fb, pinterest, etc. as well because then I can procrastinate in all the things I really should be doing. should is too judgmental...things some part of me wants to get done

So, I'm not doing the facebook for the next week, until after christmas. 8 days...I wonder how much free time I'll have after that, lol, and how much book writing I'll get done. How much cooking, how much organizing(because I work everyday except christmas day and this thursday). That's 7 days where I have mornings to get stuff done and projects finished and it'll accumulate to Christmas day with the sister and her kids. I'm thinking I'll probably leave her house Tuesday night since I have to work Wednesday afternoon. That way I can sleep later (not like this past sunday where I was woken up at 7am) and get into work on time. Then I'll drive over after work because my mom is in town. Thursday I'll leave at 1:30 for the same reason. Friday morning I have an appt so I'll go home. spend saturday am with them, work, their house sunday...I need to be cognizant of when I have appts so I don't end up in Hamstead when I have an appt the next morning. it looks like I'll have to calendar it in my iPad...otherwise I know I will get confused.  Let me do that now...haha

ramblings

I'm laying on my couch and have hit the 'I'm not doing anything else' point of the evening. I've done a few hours of homework, cleaned some, took a nap when I got home from work...I'm trying this thing where I go to bed at a reasonable hour so this is me winding down for work tomorrow at 7am.

I miss my family. Between my sister being out of town, my training schedule for work, and both of our schedules during the week, it's been a while. I watched a video of my niece tonight of her playing with my nephew and the desire to be with them is so strong. The nice thing about having an evening schedule will be the ability to go to their house in the mornings before work on the weekends.

I love them and I'm not sure how to show this to them because I always feel so dysfunctional. The desire is there but I feel so awkward because I'm learning as an adult how to be part of a family that's healthy. I'm so grateful my niece is growing up in a stable environment, surrounded by people who love her. It's such a privilege to be a part of that.

Sometimes I'm not sure what my sister thinks of me and my struggle but recently she told me that she thinks I'm courageous and my heart warmed. My sister knows I am fighting and that I'm not a hopeless case. I love you Nikki.