Wednesday, May 15, 2013

You are not who you once were

Ever have something happen that hurts you so bad, and has been so influential to your life since, that you don't realize what is actually wrong with the picture?

Your flight/fight system reacts and you run, your shame kicks in because you should've said something, and should've been accountable and taken the consequences. For years this haunts you, it wedges its way into how you see yourself, and you don't even realize it.

Until something happens to pull the plank out.

All I wanted to do was shut down and be done. I had gotten all I could from the experience. I didn't want to share or be given advice anymore. I couldn't share and I felt guilty for who I was. I was convinced, if I just carried the lie a little longer, I would be free and everything would be ok again.

Except, if I didn't accept that this was occurring, realize how it was bringing up my past, and change my part in the outcome, the wound would fester with the added contaminant. I would have given myself another experience to add to the belief that I am worthless and a liar and unlovable.

So, this time, I stood up.

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