Forgiveness

The art of forgiving is not coming easily for me. As I sit here and write I am finding that I am so angry it has turned to sadness. The anger has finally surfaced, much like when a wound comes to a head; in order to heal the wound must be opened up so the poison can come out. In the same way my anger is out there for me to feel and see and I don't like it. Not that many people actually like anger. 

But I don't think healing and forgiving are the same thing. I think it's possible to heal without having forgiven the trespass. When a wound heals there is often a scar and emotional wounds go through the same process. Whether forgiveness happens the scar will be there regardless. 

More important than forgiving the 'other' it is important to forgive myself. That's when I will be able to make peace with the reminders of the hurt so, when the scar comes into view, it doesn't hurt to look at . 

Home

Home is where the heart is. 

So, where is my heart? I no longer feel like it lies back in Arizona; sometimes it feels like it doesn't lie 'here' either. 

Home. 

Is it a physical place where you lay your head down at night? If that's the case I've had far too many to count. 

If it's a metaphysical place I've never had a place that feels like home. 

Can you lose your home like one loses a piece of property? Have I lost my home?

Home...

I just don't know. 

Tears

I spent a long time longing for my family; craving to be held as this child yearned for her mother. Just as she has been relegated to drawing chalk images imagining the comfort she needed, I ran after mirages of what I thought my family should be. Everytime my family looked similar to what I needed I would pound the ground harder but I would arrive to find the hot sand without water to quench my thirst. 

Many tears have fallen for the family that did not exist. Each told a story of sadness, heartbreak, loss; I am an adult, however, and I refuse to be relegated to chalk drawings and lost images. 

My family will be who I choose. They will be those that love me as I am and do not judge my idiosynchracies. I deserve to be loved and I chose to seek those who will love me unconditionally.

Week 52: dream vacation

I love to experience new things, to go new places and have that childlike experience of the awe in going to a place for the first time. So, the reality of a dream vacation, is expansive. I want to travel the world and experience everything.

My most immediate dream vacation is the one I'm taking in august. This is so because it's the first vacation that I am going to be taking as a couple, with my girlfriend :) I'm gong to experience portland for the first time. Go to voodoo donuts, go there with her. That makes it amazing to me. 

Closure

The topic of 'life lessons' is timely, although painful for me to experience and write about.

Life is a finite thing. We are not guaranteed our next breath, our next day, our next family event. In a moment a person can be gone. It doesn't matter if communication and conversations were a common life even because the idea of the person not existing any more can send you (me) for a tail spin, regardless.

My grandmother passed away last friday and we didn't have a good relationship, if you could call what we had a relationship at all. But, she was a holder of information about my dad that I'll never know, there will no longer be promise of hugs, and the possibility of love and understanding. The whole side of my family that encompasses my grandmother as the matriarch never talks with us and the memorial service will, likely, be the only time I will see so much of this side of my family in one place.

The second life lesson is to seek closure. Don't leave lose ends thinking there'll be time to go back to the hard stuff later. One of the most important reasons I am going back to Texas for the memorial service is to find closure for all the ways this family was not, and will never be, what I need and deserve. I will not approach them because I know this isn't what I need. But being able to let go of that childhood fantasy will help me grasp more fully the family that I've created and do have.

A special place

I want to believe that a special place, my special place, is a state of mind. I love the desert, when I think about it I can feel the sun and imagine the heat on my skin. I remember the comfort of the dry heat like an oven and the smell that rises from the earth as it begins to rain. Sunsets color the sky with reds and yellows and orange.

I haven't lived in Arizona since 2008 but I carry this with me, my special place. When I am hurting, or stressed, or scared, I can find comfort in the physical memories of those images.

As I get ready to embark on a hard journey I take comfort in the smell before it rains.