Walk away

My approach to recovery has changed a lot in the process of trying to heal from a damaging illness. Sometimes recovery hasn’t meant anything…because I have felt the illness was better. It has been a buffer to my world. But it has also overtaken my life. There is a song, though, that has consistently stuck with me as my concept of recovery has changed.

"Little Black Sandals"

I'm being dragged down, down by the hand

The hand of a golden giant man

He's crushing my knuckles

Splitting my skin, he says he'll let go

If only I'd ask it of him

He says

Girl, it's your call

You wanna fly

You wanna fall

So I shout

I wanna get away from you

As fast as I can

I tell my feet to move it

I hope they have a plan

(chorus)

These little black sandals

Are walking me away

These little black sandals

Are heading the right way

These little black sandals

Are walking me away

These little black sandals

Saved my life today

So now I'm free

Free

From the big bad giant

Who was stalking me

Thank you feet, for guiding me

I'm glad somehow I got brains down there, at least

These little black sandals

Are walking me away

These little black sandals

Are heading the right way

(chorus)

Sometimes I'm tempted

Sometimes I am

I would be lying if I said I didn't miss that giant man

He was the line between pleasure and pain

But me and the feet have some years to reclaim

(chorus)

What this song says to me is that recovery is ultimately my call. I can either soar in the pursuit of my dreams, or I can fall into the arms of my disorder. That it’s possible to be free of this disorder and that recovery will save my life. That the disorder will not always have a hold on me. It also says, to me, that I may always be tempted…because of the fact that it is the buffer between me and my pain.