Saturday, November 5, 2011

Am I doing this right?

My life has been quite frenzied so far. I have not taken the traditional route in life. I have been overcome by the need to run most of my life, from the time I was 16, and thus have had 25 jobs from the time I was 16 until 26. I come from a family of dysfunctional distance, crazy parents, and trauma that has left me afraid to create a new family of my own. My mom is 
a product of the system. And I don't want to be like her. 

So, accomplishments. I'm no longer afraid to list them. I'm proud (mostly) of what I've done. The places I've gone, the people I've met, the difference I've made. My impact. I know that the things I haven't finished, the route that has often been hard, is not a crippling thing, but experiences that have left me wiser. They are experiences that will be of value for others.

I have never been without a job, or unable to support myself. Despite of the numerous job changes, I have never left a job on bad terms. Many of the jobs were part-time in addition to the full time position I held at the time. I made sure I was not like my mother, I wasn't a part of the system. I refuse to take for granted my ability to work

The last 18 months I haven't moved jobs, I have been stable. I've been in the same position within the hospital for over a year. I have created a place where I have been recognized numerous times for what I've done. I've had doctors write me letters of reference. My boss trusts me to the extent that I have been asked to do tasks not a part of my job description.

I've picked up art again. I have made numerous small pieces that have met acclaim from those that I've shown. My doctor, that has one of the pieces says every time the amount of praise she gets for my piece. My art expands beyond mere paintings. I've done art with scales, an object of an area in my life that I'm working to overcome. This last one, is turning into a sculpture piece. I'm excited for it.
I've realized it's okay to ask for help. It's ok to seek out resources to heal and change. That there's no stigma in having to need those extra resources. Everybody's journey is different. Each of our journeys are beautiful. 

I've been accepted into a christian university. I'm a senior in college. I'm excited because the program I've been accepted into is psychology with an emphasis in crisis counseling. The crisis specific classes are going to be tough, but they will be worth it, and will help me heal. I'm also excited for the additional christian classes that I need to take. I'm excited to take an in-depth look into the bible and the history behind Christianity, because those are my roots, they are a part of me.

I'm building a good foundation for my life. I have my foot in the door for inpatient wards, I'm a resident advocate at a crisis shelter. I have people that love me and have stood by me. Despite my faults, I have not lost the people close to me. I'm healing and growing.

I've learned that, sometimes, accomplishments don't have to be things that you have done. The worlds view on what an accomplishment is doesn't have to be mine. Sometimes just getting up in the morning and going throw the day is an accomplishment. Not giving up is an accomplishment. Allowing myself to just rest and be is an accomplishment with unmeasurable value.

"So take a new grip with your tired hands. Stand firm on your shaky legs. Mark out a straight path for your feet. Then those who follow behind you, even though they are weak and lame will not stumble and fall, but will become strong" Hebrews 12:12-13

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