Keep your word

Say what you mean, and mean what you say. Look the world straight in the eye. Live and work with honesty, openness and integrity; keep your promises, and everything else is a piece of cake

Almost seven years ago now I made the decision to hide from myself. I did this with so much success I am still figuring out what I had gotten myself into. I didn't realize what it would do to me, this hiding. I couldn't face the consequences. I couldn't look others in the eyes and tell them lies. A piece of me broke that day and I've never stopped trying to fix it.

Life hasn't been a piece of cake. By far, my life has had the severe mood swings of a drug addict trying to come clean. So many times I thought about coming out of hiding. Instead I drank far too much, never stayed in one place, pushed others away. I even thought of ending my life. Because I couldn't face myself and in that I couldn't see myself being around others.

I'm definitely learning the process of keeping promises. Especially to myself. I am worthy of so many things if I only let myself have them.

I have a little pocket

I have a pseudo pocket in my chest cavity. In this pocket I carry all of my emotions: anger, fear, joy, stress,shame, guilt. It also happens to be the place where medicine lands when it isn't swallowed properly.

This is the place that becomes icy with fear and shame. The hole that grows hot with anger and jealousy. That glows bright with joy and love. It's the part of me that panics when I feel that I am being judged and full when I am grieving. It grows tight when I can't breathe because my burden is too heavy and light at those moments when I feel free.

This is where I feel the hurt of being left for being me. It's where the hole is that will never be filled from those that I have lost. It is where I try to hide when the world becomes too much. It's where I try to stuff the secrets too depraved to share with others, for fear of losing someone close to me.

What I am finding is this place inside me is a part that needs to be healed. Of course I will always carry my emotions there, and miss-swallowed pills will still land. But, the hard stuff, the stuff that needs to be shared, shouldn't be locked away. The hurts I harbor and the blame I place on myself...both of these have to be expunged in order to fully feel free.

Let go of past hurts. Feelings of resentment (or revenge) are worthless-they can only drag you down. The courage to forgive and move on is so liberating. Make it a rule: "Always be the first to forgive-especially yourself."

I'm in here

I’m in here.

Can anybody see me?

Can anybody help?

I’m in here,

A prisoner of history.

Can anybody help?

Can you hear my call? Are you coming to get me now?

I’ve been waiting for you to come rescue me

I need you to hold all of the sadness I can not…

Live with inside of me

I’m in here.

I’m trying to tell you something.

Can anybody help?

I’m in here.

I’m calling out but you cant hear.

Can anybody help?

Can you hear my call? Are you coming to get me now?

I’ve been waiting for you to come rescue me.

I need you to hold, all of the sadness I can not…

Live with inside of me.

I’m crying out.

I’m backing down.

I am feeling it all.

Stuck inside these walls, tell me there is hope for me.

Is anybody out there listening?

Can you hear my call? Are you coming to get me now?

I’ve been waiting for you to come rescue me.

I need you to hold, all of the sadness I can not…

Live with inside of me

Can you hear my call? Are you coming to get me now?

I’ve been waiting for you to come rescue me.

I need you to hold, all of the sadness I can not…

Live with inside of me.

I’m in here.

Can anybody hear me?

Can anybody help?

~SIA

...simply beautiful. So true and speaks to my darkest moments

Move forward

Do you ever think about how much time is wasted worrying about what was done in the past? How a mistake, a bad choice, a negative situation dictates life and current decisions. Seven years down the road I'm just now moving past one choice, one choice, that held the power over my head for so long.

I am just now learning accept myself as I am. To love both my successes and my faults because both of them make me beautiful. Just because I make a mistake does not mean I am a mistake. My life is not a problem to be solved. It's because I've stopped beating my head up against a wall of shame, stopped shouting at the marred reflection in the fun house mirror that I have learned to start cherishing who I am as an individual.

"Yesterday is a cancelled check. The past is not your potential. There are far better things ahead than anything you leave behind. The next five years are a blank canvas-clean and bright. Decide that you will throw all the paint on it you can"

I cannot take back the decisions I've made because they are part of the concrete in my past. But it does not define who I am going to be, not any longer. And I need to leave behind the misconception that I am fundamentally flawed in order to capture all that God has for me. The future is coming together wonderfully, the sketch is being laid out on the canvas, and the painting that comes out of the next five years is going to be magnificently unique.