Mistakes

I've made them. Legit. I have no boundaries and this has hurt me. It has hurt my ability to heal. It has hurt my ability to build lasting relationships with my needs being met. It has caused me to push away my family because it just hurts too much.

Today is going to hurt. Time to start building them though. It's never too late to start. You just have to move forward.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger

Stronger

I have gotten no sleep tonight. Maybe a few hours all together through the night. I can't sleep. I'm nervous.

The decision was made between my treatment team and myself last night to enter an even higher level of care. I'm going to have to leave work for, probably, a month. Go on short term disability. And then enter this level of treatment again.

It's hard. I'm the employee of the year. I know that my health comes first and that the people central to my job are compassionate to my treatment. It's just...I don't want to let everyone down.

I guess it comes down to "whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger"

Why do I lie?

It's hard just 'being' right now.

I feel like I have two lives running on different tracks.

There's the life that everyone sees. The smiling face. The 4.0 college senior. Employee of the year. Joyful, energetic.

Then there's the person hiding behind the facade. The one who is stuck in the middle of a briar patch, looking for a way out of the pain. The one who is trying to find herself underneath the emptiness. Find hope. Find freedom.

These two people don't intersect. Even with my team of individuals that are helping to guide me to a more authentic self receive the first person more often than not. I don't know how to put the emotion and truthfulness into what I am saying. I don't know how to reach those deepest hurts.

And I wonder why I keep lying. To myself. To those around me. It felt easier for so long and now that it's so hard on me I'm still not sure how to stop.