Dreaming weird dreams

So, I just woke up from a 'full night' of dreams.

I had only been asleep for an hour maybe. But in the dreaming time I 'woke up' several times and every time I went back to sleep I dreamnt a different dream. ( I feel like I should turn into a musical right here)

Those nights are intense, I woke up in a sweat and had to make sure I didn't pee myself, lol.

I'm going to go ahead and do homework with the hope I can go back to sleep in a couple hours (since I have to be back at 0700) but here's a very quick outline.

Dream one (repeat and adding more every time): Almost a game theme where I was running away from a guy who had one of those fbi pieces in his ear. He was talking to another one who were both searching for me. I kept dying because the guy caught up with me and it would be a repeat of sorts like it was set on a rut...until I tricked him by changing it up just enough that he would 'lose' me and I would get a little further. It had several different landscapes, including woods and parking garages.

Then the other one was similar but I was actually playing a game and I had a live dimensional robot counterpart to the one that was killing me in my dream.

I also had a dream where I had gotten together with a group of friends like I had been doing for the last couple weeks. I had wanted to cancel because I have so much work do and I haven't had time to do it. But I got together with them. At one point we were talking new years eve plans. They asked me if I were going to our old church's new years eve service. And I was all 'no I don't go there anymore' I had flashes of living at the shelter where I worked, living in the house, the fact we didn't have a dishwasher and sometimes had to use bleach for dishes because we would run out of laundry soup

We were planning on getting together but I remembered my mom was going to be in town. Fast forward to new years and I left my sister's house to see the CAD who works for genesis but is on leave because she had a baby. I went to see the baby and apologized for not getting there sooner.

In the 'waking up' parts I would dream that I had a one bedroom and I kept seeing the door left open and there were animals outside that did not belong to me. I would also dream that I felt like I had to go to the bathroom kind of intense like but I would go back to sleep instead. **

I feel like there was even more. but I really should do some homework with this energy.

November twenty-sixth

When most people have a Thanksgiving weekend, I worked both Thursday and Friday. It was interesting because one of the pediatricians was talking with me and expressed his condolences for me because I had to work on the holiday. And then I told him I had a research paper to write, with several resources not even found yet, and a little over a week to write it. At this point he told me to use my time 'wisely', lol

And I did. I pulled out quotes from articles and put it into an outline and blocked out the sections of the paper. By the time I left Friday I only had a couple more resources to look at.

Saturday and Sunday I worked on my paper and now I am at having half of the rough draft done. The rest is outlined, I just have to finish it.

.......

Sometimes I think of the plans I make for my own life and the goals I set along the way; milestones I want to hit so I know I'm accomplishing what I have set to do. I need to remember that my life is not like a paper though. For how much I 'outline' my life I cannot push to the finish line just to have it done.

There's a joy in the journey, so I'm told, lol.

November Twentieth

Welcome back to the confessions of the lamp. I was able to get up today but it cannot, in anyway, be contributed to the lamp because I haven't used it in a couple weeks. I am trying this thing where I become a morning person even though it will not be useful when i work nights. Although, maybe it will and I'll be able to work on no fuel. That thought is definitely already planted.

The next 4 weeks are so chaotic and I'm tired thinking about it. 40+ hours a week of training, plus the last few weeks of school, plus recovery, plus trying to not be a total recluse. Isolating may definitely occur though because I have three papers due over the next few weeks and I've barely started on one.

I'm trying to think this is doable. I'm not doing homework after 10pm and I'm trying to be in bed by 11. I do some kind of art/self-care for a while after I do homework. I only clean in 10 minute spurts (ha,ha). It doesn't feel like enough though. And I don't have time to go to the gym. My apartment is still a mess. The homework feels like it isn't getting done. But I can only do so much.

Treatment is. I have been dropping weight and I like this but being an eating disorder patient makes this a bad thing. I know my team is going to be frustrated with me because my new position makes it really easy to go without eating for extended periods. I mean yesterday I only ate 1/4bag salad, half a scone, and a small bag of animal crackers over my 8 hours of work. I did eat a regular meal when I got home though, that counts right?

This post definitely reflects the chaotic nature of my apartment, my job, treatment, my brain. I wish I could call in crazy to work. :)

Maybe I'll make more sense tomorrow.

November 17th

Alas, this is not a SAD lamp chronicle, just a short update.

I haven't used this 'wonderous' lamp since thursdayish... life is crazy, hectic even, but that's how it is.

Hopefully I will get back on the homeopathic train tomorrow.

At War With My Breasts

I walked into the store paranoid of the people who weren't actually looking at me. Anxiously finding my way to the intimate section of the store. As I looked for my 'new' size people would enter the same row and stand next to me; I was ashamed of my size, the fact I had to look over every rack to find something that wasn't too flashy or really bland, and I could sense my ineptitude sweating from my pores.

This is the current outing in an attempt to call truce with my chest. I am in no way accepting them and I still very-much-so detest what they have done to me, but I am conceding into their demands for room, for space.

The part of me that understands what bodies are meant to do and be realizes my breasts haven't done anything to me. If anything there should be a certain amount of irritation I found out at 28 that I am bigger than I thought. But, it isn't my boobs fault. They are supposed to be a sign of health and a source of comfort and nutrition to children, not an object I want to lob off if I had the opportunity. Just because I have been viewed as a sexual object doesn't mean I have to view them the same way.

Space, that's all they are asking for. Not to get bigger. Not to just keep going up in size. But what they haven't ever had because they were stuffed into a 'box' too small in which to breathe. So I am giving this to them in the same way I should have been given what I needed growing up.

November tenth

I digress that the last couple posts are not, in fact, SAD lamp confessions. My internal clock is all kinds of fucked up because of the 2 hour difference I've put it through; we'll have to see what this does to me next week when I'm thrust forward 2 hours again. Probably some sleeplessness and needing of some SAD lamp time.

The crazy in me is thinking about the fact I have my gym bag in my car and can run by for a quick work out/time in the tanning bed before bed...since it's only going to be 9pm for my internal clock when I get home Monday night. Maybe it'll help me relax, maybe it'll quiet the screaming voice in my head that's worried about the ten pounds it's sure I've gained.

It's good being home because I have friends that know me and my insecurities, that don't allow me to succumb to them, and love me in spite of my self-hatred.

I'm glad I came home. I started out the trip unsure but I'm so glad I  took the time to come back

November Ninth

Arizona rain

The ground wakes up in anticipation for its long lost love,
giving off a scent to greet the falling rain.

The rain cleanses.

As gravity takes the drops to the ground
the rain holds hands with its friend,
and together with the dirt, they greet the earth.

The rain quiets

Barking dogs,
screaming children,
loud thoughts and aching hearts,
all are silenced by the sound of water falling.

Left behind is a fresh smell, clean face, and new perspective.

I have missed the Arizona rain.