The last time someone else had control I was violated...words I never thought would come out of my mouth. Usually I think about the question I am asked and the answer gets filtered somehow but, maybe I was too flustered because, these spilled out immediately after I was asked why I was afraid to trust someone else with control over a situation.
I sat in stunned silence, trying to take in what I had said, contemplating what these words meant now that they were spoken. I couldn't take them back like one deletes mistakes in a word document; these words sat like bricks on the floor, each one shattering the film that covered the truth and allowed me to deny my past. They are weighted words that have held down my spirit and a dense mass that have reminded me I have been hurt. By saying them out loud I have admitted to myself and another person the truth; something very wrong has happened and maybe it's not my fault.
I've held this control tightly, so close it's suffocating me with its toxicity. I am being asked to hand over control to someone who has proven trustworthy thus far and I am afraid. I am being urged to hand over keys to my past so that closets can be opened to give the skeletons light, to uncover secrets that have kept me sick. It's a constant battle; for twenty odd years I have held the reins tightly and, even though it has been smothering my soul, part of me can't let go.