In the midst of an appointment today I realized I had been shutting most of my treatment team out, with the exception of my main therapist. It became a topic of conversation today with my art therapist and it has needed to be one for a while now.
We touched on the fact that things changed between us after we did the body sculpture. That the act of having her next to my skin may have been a little too much for me, without me necessarily recognizing it.
Over the last few months I have been working on trauma and uncovering the pile of trash the city of sarah has been built on. Because it has made me sick, kept me sick, and has made it impossible to make authentic relationships with most people. This process has been so hard and so intimate that I have not let my treatment team in on the struggle to help me. My doctor does not know and thus some symptoms are not fully explained. My art therapist didn't know why things had gone flat between us. My dietitian may have seen a little more but not where it was understandable. Her end was more of the body's physical response to the trauma.
I know the hospital is not the answer. It helped me tremendously the two times I have been in the last 1.5 years but I felt that this would happen when I started working on trauma again. I know that the I'll keep ending up here until we work through the issues that effect my weight. It's not about body image for me anymore. The number on the scale is more distressing because I no longer want to lose the weight. I might not like my body but it's from the point of feeling like other people are objectifying it. The acting on symptoms are more of a reaction to stress and the really hard work I've been doing.
So, I need to let my treatment team back in. So they can help me through this time and my symptoms can be looked at with full knowledge of where they're coming from.