Well, the fog of depression has settled all around me and I have no sense of direction. I'm holding it together at work, although I'm crying in the car between client appointments; today I actually cancelled one to come home...to sit on my couch and cry. My doctor doesn't come in on mondays and my two therapists do not have availability. With the promise of snow in the forcast my appointment I have tomorrow will be cancelled.
I can hear my therapist in my ear...'reach out to Jen'. But how do you reach out to the person you care about most to tell them that the depression that is pinning you down started out as wanting to give up on them? the relationship? To tell them you're so traumatized by past relationships that you don't know how to stay in one that's healthy?
The "I want to give up"s have transcended everything and I find myself unable to write the paper that's due tomorrow, study for my midterm, even stay at work for a full shift. I mean, I'm actually planning on calling out sick the rest of the week to avoid it. I've already plotted to drop the rest of the semester so that I'm done starting March 8th.
Part of me thinks 'if I can just get to March 8th everything will be better'. But the truth is it just gives me one less thing to absorb myself in. Then what? It's kind of like the eating disorder, really. For a while I was always thinking "if I can just lose 10 more pounds". But nothing ever changed. So, what's the point?