Movement

Right now movement is difficult. I'm tired, laying flat on my back, and I don't have the momentum to change it. That which is in motion stays in motion...

Maybe it's that I've spent wayyyyy too much time being on the go, transitioning from thing to thing, and not stopping. Having to hold on for dear life as I had more things on my plate than hours to finish them. Trying to fit in time for myself to get mad because there just isn't time.

Suddenly, there's time. At least, time that's forthcoming. On the horizon is a place of my own, a place where it doesn't matter how many hours I work, I get to go home to my own space. Not a space I'm sharing with a group of people, or a roomate, but mine. It's sounds so peaceful.

This move is scary. The ability to finally have a place to just stop.  A place where I can take off my mask, if only to myself. I've had this before and I've forgotten what it's like to leave work out, clothes on the floor, a little mess and clutter. I'm scared, not to be lonely, but to be alone.

This move is hard. This is the beginning of a new chapter. A chapter where I'm closing one of growth so I can grow into another. There's the responsibility of defining what my home means to me. And to have boundaries in place, from the beginning, of what I'm going to allow into my life.

This move is heart breaking. I have the blessing of the CEO to move out. A letter of reference, an accolade in my resume. But I'm leaving something so much bigger than kudos and a good name. I'm watching the end of something beautiful. The closing of a chapter of more than 25 years of helping women in crisis. Of over 1,000 babies being born that would have otherwise not come into existence. The end of the Hiding Place.

Suddenly, I'm ok with just laying here forever. Because I know, once I get up and set tomorrow in motion, the momentum will continue and the next month will fly by, and I'll be in my place.

A new chapter.

Your life is worth a noble motive!

Dedicate your life to a cause greater than yourself, and your life will become a glorious romance and adventure." Mark Douglas

I'm laying in bed thinking about turning points. What it would mean to take the on-ramp back to the road of recovery I was on a month ago. To let go of the security blanket called dieting, the cure-all pill, and the fix-it exercise plan.

I don't know, maybe it was realizing I may actually need a higher level of care, that I wasn't able to get sleep and on schedule by myself, that caused me to start thinking about this. Having other's intervene for me feels so much easier than being an adult about it. I don't want to be a grown up. BUT, if I don't try to put in the work myself, try and get my body on schedule, I can't justify asking for what I need from professionals. It's in this that I'm looking at this turning point.

If I were sitting in a room right now looking at the turning point of my life I would describe it as malleable and firm at the same time. Once I decide to take it, I can't afford to turn back. Besides that, there would be nothing to turn back to. I can see it and I know it has the potential to be a friend. It has the potential to free me. It can change me for the better, if I only let it.

But I'm scared. I don't want to leave behind my childhood security blanket, my cure-alls, and fix its. It's the only way back to the body I had before march 2009. The body I had that was thin and beautiful, when life was going ok. I'm scared to let go of the things that actually hurt me because there's the hope they will still get me to where I wish I had never left. It's so hard to realize, in this bout of illness I let go of a wonderfully beautiful body. and I'm left with this.

I can't let this be the focus of my life. I need a cause that doesn't encompass my disorder. I want to be able to feel the glamorous romance and adventure this journey could be, if only I chose to let go and jump.

"This may be the turning point your grandchildren will tell stories about years from now: the time you leap over the abyss to the other side of the Great Divide and begin to live your life in earnest. On the other hand, this moment of truth may end up being nothing more than a brief awakening when you glimpse what's possible on the other side of the Great Divide, but then tell yourself, "Nah, that's waayyy to far to jump." In that case, your grandchildren will have to be content talking about what delicious cookies you used to bake or what your favorite sports team was. It will all depend on how brave you'll be. Rob Brezsny

All my friends are dead

I find myself at the precipice of many things. Crossroads at work, crossroads in treatment, crossroads in relationships, crossroads in school.

I have been withdrawing into myself. Trying to attain things that don't really matter, that I've lost. It's easier to long after these things because my life is stressful. I have SO many good things going on but they are still acting as a catalyst for my actions. Of course, they are only changing into stumbling blocks because I have chosen to let them.

I've been here before. It's comforting. It's familiar. Even when the outcome of the actions hurt me, don't make me feel good, are damaging to my life, they are still what I know. It's like going back to the partner that beats you. You keep going back because of the desire for it to be different Even though you know, you know, it's going to be exactly the same. You keep doing the same thing expecting a different result...insane.

The really pitiful part, for me, is that I know everytime I go back to this a part of me that is my friend, my alli, dies. And if it's not some part of me, it's a relationship, being able to chase after dreams, looking for life turns to ashes. I wish I cared for these things because cognitively I realize it's only so long before "All My Friends are Dead"

Keep your word

Say what you mean, and mean what you say. Look the world straight in the eye. Live and work with honesty, openness and integrity; keep your promises, and everything else is a piece of cake

Almost seven years ago now I made the decision to hide from myself. I did this with so much success I am still figuring out what I had gotten myself into. I didn't realize what it would do to me, this hiding. I couldn't face the consequences. I couldn't look others in the eyes and tell them lies. A piece of me broke that day and I've never stopped trying to fix it.

Life hasn't been a piece of cake. By far, my life has had the severe mood swings of a drug addict trying to come clean. So many times I thought about coming out of hiding. Instead I drank far too much, never stayed in one place, pushed others away. I even thought of ending my life. Because I couldn't face myself and in that I couldn't see myself being around others.

I'm definitely learning the process of keeping promises. Especially to myself. I am worthy of so many things if I only let myself have them.

I have a little pocket

I have a pseudo pocket in my chest cavity. In this pocket I carry all of my emotions: anger, fear, joy, stress,shame, guilt. It also happens to be the place where medicine lands when it isn't swallowed properly.

This is the place that becomes icy with fear and shame. The hole that grows hot with anger and jealousy. That glows bright with joy and love. It's the part of me that panics when I feel that I am being judged and full when I am grieving. It grows tight when I can't breathe because my burden is too heavy and light at those moments when I feel free.

This is where I feel the hurt of being left for being me. It's where the hole is that will never be filled from those that I have lost. It is where I try to hide when the world becomes too much. It's where I try to stuff the secrets too depraved to share with others, for fear of losing someone close to me.

What I am finding is this place inside me is a part that needs to be healed. Of course I will always carry my emotions there, and miss-swallowed pills will still land. But, the hard stuff, the stuff that needs to be shared, shouldn't be locked away. The hurts I harbor and the blame I place on myself...both of these have to be expunged in order to fully feel free.

Let go of past hurts. Feelings of resentment (or revenge) are worthless-they can only drag you down. The courage to forgive and move on is so liberating. Make it a rule: "Always be the first to forgive-especially yourself."

I'm in here

I’m in here.

Can anybody see me?

Can anybody help?

I’m in here,

A prisoner of history.

Can anybody help?

Can you hear my call? Are you coming to get me now?

I’ve been waiting for you to come rescue me

I need you to hold all of the sadness I can not…

Live with inside of me

I’m in here.

I’m trying to tell you something.

Can anybody help?

I’m in here.

I’m calling out but you cant hear.

Can anybody help?

Can you hear my call? Are you coming to get me now?

I’ve been waiting for you to come rescue me.

I need you to hold, all of the sadness I can not…

Live with inside of me.

I’m crying out.

I’m backing down.

I am feeling it all.

Stuck inside these walls, tell me there is hope for me.

Is anybody out there listening?

Can you hear my call? Are you coming to get me now?

I’ve been waiting for you to come rescue me.

I need you to hold, all of the sadness I can not…

Live with inside of me

Can you hear my call? Are you coming to get me now?

I’ve been waiting for you to come rescue me.

I need you to hold, all of the sadness I can not…

Live with inside of me.

I’m in here.

Can anybody hear me?

Can anybody help?

~SIA

...simply beautiful. So true and speaks to my darkest moments

Move forward

Do you ever think about how much time is wasted worrying about what was done in the past? How a mistake, a bad choice, a negative situation dictates life and current decisions. Seven years down the road I'm just now moving past one choice, one choice, that held the power over my head for so long.

I am just now learning accept myself as I am. To love both my successes and my faults because both of them make me beautiful. Just because I make a mistake does not mean I am a mistake. My life is not a problem to be solved. It's because I've stopped beating my head up against a wall of shame, stopped shouting at the marred reflection in the fun house mirror that I have learned to start cherishing who I am as an individual.

"Yesterday is a cancelled check. The past is not your potential. There are far better things ahead than anything you leave behind. The next five years are a blank canvas-clean and bright. Decide that you will throw all the paint on it you can"

I cannot take back the decisions I've made because they are part of the concrete in my past. But it does not define who I am going to be, not any longer. And I need to leave behind the misconception that I am fundamentally flawed in order to capture all that God has for me. The future is coming together wonderfully, the sketch is being laid out on the canvas, and the painting that comes out of the next five years is going to be magnificently unique.