All my friends are dead

I find myself at the precipice of many things. Crossroads at work, crossroads in treatment, crossroads in relationships, crossroads in school.

I have been withdrawing into myself. Trying to attain things that don't really matter, that I've lost. It's easier to long after these things because my life is stressful. I have SO many good things going on but they are still acting as a catalyst for my actions. Of course, they are only changing into stumbling blocks because I have chosen to let them.

I've been here before. It's comforting. It's familiar. Even when the outcome of the actions hurt me, don't make me feel good, are damaging to my life, they are still what I know. It's like going back to the partner that beats you. You keep going back because of the desire for it to be different Even though you know, you know, it's going to be exactly the same. You keep doing the same thing expecting a different result...insane.

The really pitiful part, for me, is that I know everytime I go back to this a part of me that is my friend, my alli, dies. And if it's not some part of me, it's a relationship, being able to chase after dreams, looking for life turns to ashes. I wish I cared for these things because cognitively I realize it's only so long before "All My Friends are Dead"

Keep your word

Say what you mean, and mean what you say. Look the world straight in the eye. Live and work with honesty, openness and integrity; keep your promises, and everything else is a piece of cake

Almost seven years ago now I made the decision to hide from myself. I did this with so much success I am still figuring out what I had gotten myself into. I didn't realize what it would do to me, this hiding. I couldn't face the consequences. I couldn't look others in the eyes and tell them lies. A piece of me broke that day and I've never stopped trying to fix it.

Life hasn't been a piece of cake. By far, my life has had the severe mood swings of a drug addict trying to come clean. So many times I thought about coming out of hiding. Instead I drank far too much, never stayed in one place, pushed others away. I even thought of ending my life. Because I couldn't face myself and in that I couldn't see myself being around others.

I'm definitely learning the process of keeping promises. Especially to myself. I am worthy of so many things if I only let myself have them.

I have a little pocket

I have a pseudo pocket in my chest cavity. In this pocket I carry all of my emotions: anger, fear, joy, stress,shame, guilt. It also happens to be the place where medicine lands when it isn't swallowed properly.

This is the place that becomes icy with fear and shame. The hole that grows hot with anger and jealousy. That glows bright with joy and love. It's the part of me that panics when I feel that I am being judged and full when I am grieving. It grows tight when I can't breathe because my burden is too heavy and light at those moments when I feel free.

This is where I feel the hurt of being left for being me. It's where the hole is that will never be filled from those that I have lost. It is where I try to hide when the world becomes too much. It's where I try to stuff the secrets too depraved to share with others, for fear of losing someone close to me.

What I am finding is this place inside me is a part that needs to be healed. Of course I will always carry my emotions there, and miss-swallowed pills will still land. But, the hard stuff, the stuff that needs to be shared, shouldn't be locked away. The hurts I harbor and the blame I place on myself...both of these have to be expunged in order to fully feel free.

Let go of past hurts. Feelings of resentment (or revenge) are worthless-they can only drag you down. The courage to forgive and move on is so liberating. Make it a rule: "Always be the first to forgive-especially yourself."

I'm in here

I’m in here.

Can anybody see me?

Can anybody help?

I’m in here,

A prisoner of history.

Can anybody help?

Can you hear my call? Are you coming to get me now?

I’ve been waiting for you to come rescue me

I need you to hold all of the sadness I can not…

Live with inside of me

I’m in here.

I’m trying to tell you something.

Can anybody help?

I’m in here.

I’m calling out but you cant hear.

Can anybody help?

Can you hear my call? Are you coming to get me now?

I’ve been waiting for you to come rescue me.

I need you to hold, all of the sadness I can not…

Live with inside of me.

I’m crying out.

I’m backing down.

I am feeling it all.

Stuck inside these walls, tell me there is hope for me.

Is anybody out there listening?

Can you hear my call? Are you coming to get me now?

I’ve been waiting for you to come rescue me.

I need you to hold, all of the sadness I can not…

Live with inside of me

Can you hear my call? Are you coming to get me now?

I’ve been waiting for you to come rescue me.

I need you to hold, all of the sadness I can not…

Live with inside of me.

I’m in here.

Can anybody hear me?

Can anybody help?

~SIA

...simply beautiful. So true and speaks to my darkest moments

Move forward

Do you ever think about how much time is wasted worrying about what was done in the past? How a mistake, a bad choice, a negative situation dictates life and current decisions. Seven years down the road I'm just now moving past one choice, one choice, that held the power over my head for so long.

I am just now learning accept myself as I am. To love both my successes and my faults because both of them make me beautiful. Just because I make a mistake does not mean I am a mistake. My life is not a problem to be solved. It's because I've stopped beating my head up against a wall of shame, stopped shouting at the marred reflection in the fun house mirror that I have learned to start cherishing who I am as an individual.

"Yesterday is a cancelled check. The past is not your potential. There are far better things ahead than anything you leave behind. The next five years are a blank canvas-clean and bright. Decide that you will throw all the paint on it you can"

I cannot take back the decisions I've made because they are part of the concrete in my past. But it does not define who I am going to be, not any longer. And I need to leave behind the misconception that I am fundamentally flawed in order to capture all that God has for me. The future is coming together wonderfully, the sketch is being laid out on the canvas, and the painting that comes out of the next five years is going to be magnificently unique.

Who is that?

 Who is that in the purple shirt? Look at her. She is so beautiful. Her confidence radiates and is evident through her smile. That person is me...

i.am.beautiful.

No one can take the beauty away from me. They may break my body but they can no longer crush my spirit. I am beautiful independent of what I do.

My life is amazing. I am a miracle. It's something to be said that I am here right now for my childhood could have dictated a far darker outcome.

I am not a victim. What I've come through does not lessen who I am as a person. It makes me greater. I have everything I need to face my childhood fears with an adult maturity. I am succesfully building relationships, creating healthy boundaries, and exploring what I want in companionship. 

All of these things make me uniquely qualified to do what I'm doing now, where school is going to take me and all I'm going to accomplish. My purpose is so much bigger than I can comprehend. I am going to do great things.

I cannot allow my fear of falling/failing stunt my growth or slow my climb. It's both my faults and the things I do right that make me beautiful.

What you focus on increases

"You don't have to take life the way it comes to you. You can design your life to come to you the way you want it."

I haven't blogged in a while. I've been depressed because I decided I didn't need a med and the decision caught up with me. I've spent the better part of the last 3 weeks in bed. Going home from work and doing minimal. Checking the chores for the house and laying in bed. Not wanting to do anything because doing them requires moving forward and movement is difficult.

Since the last time I have done any type of update I have found out that I was accepted into the disney institute, have gone through the training, and have been placed in a work group perfectly suited for my personality and abilities. Work is going good, I continue to hear good things from those around me and, just recently, at the training with my primary doctor, she even said how good I was at my job. This validation makes me feel good and I have actually started seeinng what others see: a smart, beautiful woman, with so much to offer those around me. I like what lays before me, I see purpose in everything, and I know I'm going places.

I went on a date recently. The man is wonderful and there are so many things I absolutely love about him. However, a cultural difference caused a huge relational boundary to be crossed. It took me a few days and acting on behaviors to realize what was going on, why I was emotionally shutting down to realize this. In the process of realizing this I acted on behaviors and then confronted what had happened. So, we are not going out again. I stood up for myself as an adult, but it took a few days.

In the last couple weeks I've binged for emotional reasons, purged for emotional reasons, weighed myself for emotional reasons. I'm STILL acting on behaviors, still have a scale until next year, still restrict, still have body image issues. Intellectually and cognitively I know that the weight doesn't matter. But, I'm so scared of gaining, of the weight I have gained, that I can't get emotionally past the number.

So, I must decide what I want to happen. Do I want to respond to emotional upheaval that I feel I have no control over? Or do I want to actively build up my emotional coping skills to have in hand so situations do not even bother me? Do I want to get so sick I can't pursue my dreams, or get myself-both emotionally and physically- to a place I can find and procure all that I want in life? I choose to create the life I want and that involves actively fighting what I've allowed on my path. To be strict with myself and get out of bed in the morning and allow time to do the things I enjoy. But to also be gentle because I'm just a person with faults as well as good things. The faults make just as beautiful as the things I do right.