Where would I be?

Everybody has that day, that moment in time, that defines their life.

For some it's the birth of a child, others it's a death of a loved one, for me it was the day I went to the ER because of symptoms of my eating disorder.

That was the moment I could not deny I had the eating disorder, my symptoms had left me in severe pain, seeking relief from Veteran physicians.

It's now three years letter and I've been in treatment for an eating disorder for the last 2.5 years of it. In that time I have had symptoms of bulimia, anorexia, and EDNOS. I have had two hospitalizations and been out from work 6 months and part time for over 2 months. I almost lost my job about two years ago.

Three years was the moment I realized I had the eating disorder but I had been ignorant of it, largely, throughout my whole life. It has been the symptom of a difficult life and a defense mechanism that has kept me alive. For a while it was what kept me safe, until it was the coping mechanism that had gone horribly array.

When something is part of you for so long it's hard to imagine what life would be without it. And, in that, it's hard to think about what my life would've been like without my eating disorder. The truth is, I may be better off, I may be worse, there's no way of knowing. What caused the eating disorder would've largely been there, still, so the likelihood of developing another symptom/'coping skill' would've been likely.

So, what I like to think, is that I would still be right here. Maybe fighting another illness but, hopefully with just as much insight as I have now.