Walk away

My approach to recovery has changed a lot in the process of trying to heal from a damaging illness. Sometimes recovery hasn’t meant anything…because I have felt the illness was better. It has been a buffer to my world. But it has also overtaken my life. There is a song, though, that has consistently stuck with me as my concept of recovery has changed.

"Little Black Sandals"

I'm being dragged down, down by the hand

The hand of a golden giant man

He's crushing my knuckles

Splitting my skin, he says he'll let go

If only I'd ask it of him

He says

Girl, it's your call

You wanna fly

You wanna fall

So I shout

I wanna get away from you

As fast as I can

I tell my feet to move it

I hope they have a plan

(chorus)

These little black sandals

Are walking me away

These little black sandals

Are heading the right way

These little black sandals

Are walking me away

These little black sandals

Saved my life today

So now I'm free

Free

From the big bad giant

Who was stalking me

Thank you feet, for guiding me

I'm glad somehow I got brains down there, at least

These little black sandals

Are walking me away

These little black sandals

Are heading the right way

(chorus)

Sometimes I'm tempted

Sometimes I am

I would be lying if I said I didn't miss that giant man

He was the line between pleasure and pain

But me and the feet have some years to reclaim

(chorus)

What this song says to me is that recovery is ultimately my call. I can either soar in the pursuit of my dreams, or I can fall into the arms of my disorder. That it’s possible to be free of this disorder and that recovery will save my life. That the disorder will not always have a hold on me. It also says, to me, that I may always be tempted…because of the fact that it is the buffer between me and my pain.

Am I doing this right?

My life has been quite frenzied so far. I have not taken the traditional route in life. I have been overcome by the need to run most of my life, from the time I was 16, and thus have had 25 jobs from the time I was 16 until 26. I come from a family of dysfunctional distance, crazy parents, and trauma that has left me afraid to create a new family of my own. My mom is 
a product of the system. And I don't want to be like her. 

So, accomplishments. I'm no longer afraid to list them. I'm proud (mostly) of what I've done. The places I've gone, the people I've met, the difference I've made. My impact. I know that the things I haven't finished, the route that has often been hard, is not a crippling thing, but experiences that have left me wiser. They are experiences that will be of value for others.




I have never been without a job, or unable to support myself. Despite of the numerous job changes, I have never left a job on bad terms. Many of the jobs were part-time in addition to the full time position I held at the time. I made sure I was not like my mother, I wasn't a part of the system. I refuse to take for granted my ability to work

The last 18 months I haven't moved jobs, I have been stable. I've been in the same position within the hospital for over a year. I have created a place where I have been recognized numerous times for what I've done. I've had doctors write me letters of reference. My boss trusts me to the extent that I have been asked to do tasks not a part of my job description.



I've picked up art again. I have made numerous small pieces that have met acclaim from those that I've shown. My doctor, that has one of the pieces says every time the amount of praise she gets for my piece. My art expands beyond mere paintings. I've done art with scales, an object of an area in my life that I'm working to overcome. This last one, is turning into a sculpture piece. I'm excited for it.

I've realized it's okay to ask for help. It's ok to seek out resources to heal and change. That there's no stigma in having to need those extra resources. Everybody's journey is different. Each of our journeys are beautiful. 

I've been accepted into a christian university. I'm a senior in college. I'm excited because the program I've been accepted into is psychology with an emphasis in crisis counseling. The crisis specific classes are going to be tough, but they will be worth it, and will help me heal. I'm also excited for the additional christian classes that I need to take. I'm excited to take an in-depth look into the bible and the history behind Christianity, because those are my roots, they are a part of me.

I'm building a good foundation for my life. I have my foot in the door for inpatient wards, I'm a resident advocate at a crisis shelter. I have people that love me and have stood by me. Despite my faults, I have not lost the people close to me. I'm healing and growing.

I've learned that, sometimes, accomplishments don't have to be things that you have done. The worlds view on what an accomplishment is doesn't have to be mine. Sometimes just getting up in the morning and going throw the day is an accomplishment. Not giving up is an accomplishment. Allowing myself to just rest and be is an accomplishment with unmeasurable value.

"So take a new grip with your tired hands. Stand firm on your shaky legs. Mark out a straight path for your feet. Then those who follow behind you, even though they are weak and lame will not stumble and fall, but will become strong" Hebrews 12:12-13

Perpetual Senior

I had this written a couple weeks ago. But I couldn't post it. And now it's no longer accurate because where I was two weeks ago is completely different from where I am now. I'm living in the repercussions of decisions made last week and two weeks ago.

I'm still burned out. This is manifested in my inability to journal, my inability to finish blogs, and my inability to look at DBT skills too closely. I also can't seem to open my mouth to friends and let them know how I am feeling. I'm still not in therapy. I've realized what a week without the unconditional person to listen to does to my stress level. Do I go back though? No, I still have another 2 weeks until I go back. If I decide I need a break, I'll follow through that decision. I did decide to go ahead and keep my dietitian appointment for this coming week, even though it goes against my desire to take a break from treatment for a month.

Work is there: I am in the process of auditioning for the Disney transforming the workplace at my hospital. If selected I will be one of 25 associates part of these groups that will change how my hospital works with others.

My other 'job' is still a part of my life. It will be for the foreseeable future. Against all desire to actually stay I find myself stuck here. The rental fell through. Every place I had a desire to buy fell through for one reason, or another. In reality, the shelter is not bad and is a blessing in many ways, especially on my pocket. But I want my wings, I want to fly.

Oh, and I'm accepted into school. It's weird, seeing senior next to my name on my transcripts now. I am a college senior. I have enough college credits, enough life experience, that I should have a degree. Of course, I will be a senior for the next 18 months as I finish the requirements for my degree. And I currently have a 0.0. I need to talk to someone about that...my 4.0 WILL transfer dang it. And I'm crazy enough to take 3 classes in spring. I will need coffee. lots of coffee.

So, that's where I am now. In lieu of getting this out to you all before my life changes and this is no longer accurate, I am not posting pictures...to much effort.

Fear

Running a hundred different directions

Without a clear path 

Or staying still for a moment

and being stuck for a lifetime

Going through struggles

with lack of insight

Facing illness

without love by my side.

Never completing something of significance

Living in mediocrity

going insane

not working

Growing old without knowing who I am

leaving behind broken hearts 

and unfufilled dreams.

Giving everything I have during the day

Being surrounded by people

Just to go home at night alone

And to cry from the loneliness.

Fears are the small things

the thoughts that slip in unnoticed 

Unwanted violations

against the light of day.

Paving New Paths

Three weeks ago I was given the task of finding a picture that describes my life. I have, obviously, been procrastinating because I was waiting for a picture to come to me. Who would've thought it would appear through a painting I've done myself while I'm on vacation.


My vacation was a bit controversial. I thought about going a year ago, when a health condition hadn't fully presented itself. Then, this year, even though I had a condition that made it unwise to go on vacation, I decided to go anyway. My doctors and the medical professionals in my life advised against it. So, I had the god guilt because I knew it was not the best decision.

And, I proved myself wrong. It was exactly what I needed. It was a time to relax, get outside my head, think. Being in the woods, without cell phone reception, without contact with the outside world, was so refreshing. Then, in the midst of thinking about going back to my life, I started freaking out. I thought about running. I joked with the staff about hiring me and that I would live out of my suitcase.

The thing is, my problems would've just followed me down to Tennessee. I would have the same issues to muddle through wherever I go. And I realized that I didn't want my life as it was and that I wanted to quit. The time away was a moment of clarity, that I needed to make some changes.

My life is crazy, I'm not living my life in a way that's healthy for me. I don't go home after work, I go to work again. There's no privacy, I live in a shoe box, and I'm constantly on the go. While the house can be normal and quiet, it can also be stressful. I realized, I would rather work 80 hours a week and have a home to go to, then to work 20 and have another job that I live in instead. So, I'm moving. December 1st.

I admit, I felt guilty. I love the women, I love the shelter, but I need my life back. I need to start back on the road that I see before me. I need to cement recovery and pay attention to what my body is telling me. I have to start dealing with my issues, or I will always be stuck in the past.

I got over the guilt. I'm now excited for the journey again. My life, the next two months are hard. But, there's wisdom to be gained in the struggle. And despite the frustration and the knowledge I'm letting people down, I'm at peace. Because, my health is important. What I think and feel should be the direction for my life is more important than other's opions.

I love my life. :)

learning to paint

Paint Brush

Author: Unknown

I keep my paint brush with me 

Wherever I may go,

In case I need to cover up

So the real me doesn’t show.

I’m so afraid to show you me,

Afraid of what you’ll do – that

You might laugh or say mean things.

I’m afraid I might lose you.

I’d like to remove all my paint coats
To show you the real, true me,
But I want you to try and understand,
I need you to accept what you see.
So if you’ll be patient and close your eyes,
I’ll strip off all my coats real slow.
Please understand how much it hurts
To let the real me show.

Now my coats are all stripped off.

I feel naked 

bare 

and cold

And if you still love Me with all that you see,

You are my friend, pure as gold.

I need to save my paint brush, though,
And hold it in my hand,
I want to keep it handy
In case somebody doesn’t understand.
So please protect me, my dear friend
And thanks for loving me true,
But please let me keep my paint brush with me
Until I love me, too.

I've liked this poem since I was in middle school. Of course, in my naive problems back then, I didn't understand all of it's intricate layers. But it was still very applicable, like it is now.

 

I've struggled to let people in, to let them see the real, true me and this poem so eloquently portrays my inner conflict. I still struggle with loving myself, loving my body, enjoying life. I still look to others for protection from the cruel world that doesn't understand. I still hide all that I am from those around me, closest to me, for fear of loss, disapproval, and the 

pain it causes me to do this over and over again.

 What this poem speaks to me is this, keep trying. Keep seeking those you can take the mask off to. Keeping the guard and walls up to everyone leaves you boxed in and alone.  

Good friends are like stars. You don't always see them, but you know they are always there.

It's the time we tried to make chocolate covered bananas with regular chocolate syrup. Going to California with our class and experiencing the ocean together for the first time.It's her being in Baltimore for a week and a half in high school, seeing all the sights, and getting agitated because we were/are so similar to each other.

It's driving to California and her getting pulled over in the same place I did a year later, in my car. Driving off just to nearly stall the car as we are pulling away. It's road trips and first drinks. Getting lost in random places. Driving the wrong way on one way streets.

She's always been there for me. Even when actual communication is scarce, we have always being able to pick up the relationship as if no time has passed.

It's driving 6 hours to be a distraction while I was taking care of my dad. Going to Albuequerque just to go out. Going to a crazy music festival in the middle of the desert because we didn't believe that such a thing actually existed...it does

A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.

~ Walter Winchell

It's flying back to Maryland a few days after I got home, after my dad died. Being patient with me as I processed the loss of a man I didn't like until three weeks before he died. It's laughing over the morbid thought of how my dad's ashes looked like cat litter. I know, really morbid

It's laughing over trying to teach her how to drive stick shift, giving up after many sudden stops and stalls, deciding I would drive. Aggrivating a middle eastern man at dunkin donuts, because we didn't know what we wanted to order, to the point that he says 'you place your order now.' It's going to NYC together as adults because the trip never happened in high school. Her being understanding as I did the disobedient act of spreading most of his ashes in the hudson, on the fairy, on the way to the statue of liberty.

For all the things I've done, I've had one person by my side since I was 9 years old. In the 6th grade we both left our elementary school. Our relationship must have been god ordained because we ended up at the same middle school without any planning. My dearest friend has been there through all these adventures...and soooo many more neither of us remember, or will admit in court. We have listened to each others secrets, trusted each other with our deepest self, been each others family when each of ours were not enough.

I think of MY Jessica and I'm so grateful we found each other on the playground in 3rd grade. Our memories are precious. We've helped shape each other into the adults we are today. I'm so excited to see how the rest of our lives unfold. I don't know that we are going to live in the same place again. I hope so, but it doesn't matter either, because miles do not separate us. I know we will be old women continuing to talk about our memories, and the many more that we will create, as we sit on a porch somewhere in rocking chairs, drinking margueritas because that's the only thing both of us likes. I love you Jess.

A good friend asks to have a drink...
A true friend takes one...

A good friend expects you to always be there for them...
A true friend expects to always be there for you...

A good friend wonders about your romantic history...
A true friend can blackmail you with it...

A good friend hates it when you call late at night...
A true friend asks why you took so long...