Saturday, June 9, 2012

Breaking Old Habits


     To me, a core value essential to peaceful living. If it acts as a foundation for everything encompassed within a life each situation has a stronger integrity. Circumstances may indeed be difficult but there's also a sense of endurance of the individual. If the problem is built upon fractured lies, half truths, and secrets they first need to be looked at before the top layer is dealt with; such a daunting task.
     I think about the times honesty has played a major role in my life and also the times I've hidden behind a lie. Every time honesty acts as my backbone I have been able to grow stronger, maintain trust, and have been given grace. But, when I've relied on a lie to carry me through, I end up shattered and exhausted from the effort of holding up false pretexts.
     Currently I am working on a part of my life shrouded in dishonesty. I'm peeling away the excuses of training for a marathon to justify working out all the time. Clearing out 'closets' full of lies told to get out of engagements in order to spend time with my true love, my eating disorder. This relationship itself is centered around secrets. My eating disorder comforted me, shielded me, and protected me.
     In reality it acted as a sugar coat over the real issues, leaving me isolated, broken, and alone. I've never let my sister in, she knows nothing of the truth in my life. It's like the codependent relationships where you forsake all to spend time with your significant other. When you finally come up for air you realize your friends/family/etc have moved on and no longer trust you. After the breakup there's the painstaking process of rebuilding a relationship and basing it on honesty.

Which brings me back to honesty, a core value...