Nothing left me feeling more caged and cornered than attempting family therapy for the first time yesterday. I may have cussed at the family therapist trying to stonewall the phone call to my sister's business. And I may have refused to talk to her as well during the 30 minutes in which she was trying to ascertain what was wrong before we made that call. And then, when we finally did, I may have refused to talk more than a few sentences in response to questions posed by the family therapist in response to what my sister said. And my sister said many loaded opening liners for our in-person session next Friday. I have a feeling I'm in for some honest to god trouble.
I don't have a relationship with my sister and it's largely my doing. I don't tell her what is going on in my life, she doesn't have my address, she doesn't know my friends...I could disappear and she wouldn't know. I don't know why I continue to do this to her, to us. Why I don't really have a relationship with anyone in my life. Why I have friends, but each of them only knows parts of me. I have been unable to form genuine attachments with them all and I have left myself alone.
I wonder when I lost myself. When I ultimately shut down. My heart is sitting heavy in my chest. Because I'm in the middle of a mess, a briar patch, and even though I know there's a way out I'm not sure which way is the path. There's going to be pain to find myself and some trouble finding that path. I have the feeling I'm going to be stuck in this labyrinth for a while.