I'm back tracking a little bit on a blog challenge right now. I figure, since I'm not asleep I might as well. Times like these, in the middle of the night (especially when I know I have long days on either side), I tend to contemplate the deeper issues and stay awake even longer.
I have many people behind me right now, trying to help me to recover. I have an individual art therapist, expressive art therapist, mindful movement therapist, two dietitians, 3 occupational therapists, and individual inpatient therapist, outpatient therapist, family therapist, the PsyD and Therapists that lead groups, nurses, mental health workers, and a psychiatrist. I see this list, for the first time acknowledging how many people are trying to guide me forward and I think two things: 1) "That's a lot of Fing people" and 2) I must be really crazy.
When you have this many people and you talk with them about trauma and difficulties, if you're honest with all of them, commonalities stick out of what they say back. We all agree that where I am in recovery is hopeful but very difficult. They've helped me see negative thought processes and triggering situations and are helping me think of alternatives and more positive affirmations. They are literally helping me to rewire my brain.
The hardest thing, by far, is what I listen to them saying over and over, but don't actually hear and take in the meaning of their words. To the point where, even when I've tried to repeat back what they've said, I manage to parrot my core belief back to them: It's my fault. I've claimed blame for pretty much everything and I could say the list without difficulty over and over (which is part of the problem). I claim the blame and remove others from their responsibility. I do this because I have to keep some of them in my life. I do this because, to place their piece on them, acknowledging it, makes it hurt even more. It causes me to see my vulnerability and the inability to change what happened.
The truth is, we can't change what has happened to us. It molds us and morphs what we say, do, how we protect ourselves. The growth and process of changing comes in acknowledging who we were when we were hurt and trying to change the thought processes into more positive coping mechanisms and have a healthier life.
It's scary, it's hard, and it takes a long time.
The point is, unless we change, we just stay stuck and aren't present in our life. Sure, we are physically involved. But, there isn't actual enjoyment.