Power

Power. It’s required for almost all of daily human functioning. From the alarm clock in the morning, and the cup of coffee brewed in a pot, to turning off the lights at night. It moves our vehicles, plays our music, and gives us an outlet to communicate with the outside world. And for those of us with an eating disorder it can be the element that keeps us in our disorder or frees us completely; it’s all in the application.

Here I am, sitting on the floor in my apartment, thinking about power in my life. This is MY life but I do not currently harness the power to control it. I have given that over to my eating disorder. There’s a moment of contemplation going on because I am trying to distinguish how long I have given over my control and if I ever had the power within myself.

At some point in the last three months I did have a moment of clarity where I decided I would claim the power back in this dysfunctional relationship. The ebb and flow of the interim, however, has led to a certain level of ambivalence. Twelve hours a day I go to a partial hospitalization program where I learn about recovery, eat recovery modeled meals, and support other patients. On the inside I’m fighting the desire to return completely to my disorder because I feel like it holds the power to getting back the life I want, even if it is disordered.

I guess, to the recovery community, it’s good that I don’t have the power to remove myself from program. That power lies within my treatment team who will not return me to work until they see I am ready. So, for a little while longer I don’t have the power and I’ve accepted this is probably for the best. It’s not forever. And I would rather have the power when I’m healthy enough to use it.