Forgiveness

The art of forgiving is not coming easily for me. As I sit here and write I am finding that I am so angry it has turned to sadness. The anger has finally surfaced, much like when a wound comes to a head; in order to heal the wound must be opened up so the poison can come out. In the same way my anger is out there for me to feel and see and I don't like it. Not that many people actually like anger. 

But I don't think healing and forgiving are the same thing. I think it's possible to heal without having forgiven the trespass. When a wound heals there is often a scar and emotional wounds go through the same process. Whether forgiveness happens the scar will be there regardless. 

More important than forgiving the 'other' it is important to forgive myself. That's when I will be able to make peace with the reminders of the hurt so, when the scar comes into view, it doesn't hurt to look at . 

Home

Home is where the heart is. 

So, where is my heart? I no longer feel like it lies back in Arizona; sometimes it feels like it doesn't lie 'here' either. 

Home. 

Is it a physical place where you lay your head down at night? If that's the case I've had far too many to count. 

If it's a metaphysical place I've never had a place that feels like home. 

Can you lose your home like one loses a piece of property? Have I lost my home?

Home...

I just don't know. 

Tears

I spent a long time longing for my family; craving to be held as this child yearned for her mother. Just as she has been relegated to drawing chalk images imagining the comfort she needed, I ran after mirages of what I thought my family should be. Everytime my family looked similar to what I needed I would pound the ground harder but I would arrive to find the hot sand without water to quench my thirst. 

Many tears have fallen for the family that did not exist. Each told a story of sadness, heartbreak, loss; I am an adult, however, and I refuse to be relegated to chalk drawings and lost images. 

My family will be who I choose. They will be those that love me as I am and do not judge my idiosynchracies. I deserve to be loved and I chose to seek those who will love me unconditionally.

Week 52: dream vacation

I love to experience new things, to go new places and have that childlike experience of the awe in going to a place for the first time. So, the reality of a dream vacation, is expansive. I want to travel the world and experience everything.

My most immediate dream vacation is the one I'm taking in august. This is so because it's the first vacation that I am going to be taking as a couple, with my girlfriend :) I'm gong to experience portland for the first time. Go to voodoo donuts, go there with her. That makes it amazing to me. 

Closure

The topic of 'life lessons' is timely, although painful for me to experience and write about.

Life is a finite thing. We are not guaranteed our next breath, our next day, our next family event. In a moment a person can be gone. It doesn't matter if communication and conversations were a common life even because the idea of the person not existing any more can send you (me) for a tail spin, regardless.

My grandmother passed away last friday and we didn't have a good relationship, if you could call what we had a relationship at all. But, she was a holder of information about my dad that I'll never know, there will no longer be promise of hugs, and the possibility of love and understanding. The whole side of my family that encompasses my grandmother as the matriarch never talks with us and the memorial service will, likely, be the only time I will see so much of this side of my family in one place.

The second life lesson is to seek closure. Don't leave lose ends thinking there'll be time to go back to the hard stuff later. One of the most important reasons I am going back to Texas for the memorial service is to find closure for all the ways this family was not, and will never be, what I need and deserve. I will not approach them because I know this isn't what I need. But being able to let go of that childhood fantasy will help me grasp more fully the family that I've created and do have.

A special place

I want to believe that a special place, my special place, is a state of mind. I love the desert, when I think about it I can feel the sun and imagine the heat on my skin. I remember the comfort of the dry heat like an oven and the smell that rises from the earth as it begins to rain. Sunsets color the sky with reds and yellows and orange.

I haven't lived in Arizona since 2008 but I carry this with me, my special place. When I am hurting, or stressed, or scared, I can find comfort in the physical memories of those images.

As I get ready to embark on a hard journey I take comfort in the smell before it rains.

Traditions

My family doesn't have traditions…meaning that every attempt to make an activity/get-together/etc into something re-occurring never happened. 

So, I want to make my own traditions, for myself and my future family. Christmas isn't a holiday I celebrate but I will make it a habit to be with family (or the family I create) during this holiday because it is one they celebrate.

Dinner will be a family activity. Each individual will have their part in preparing the meal. As much as possible everyone will eat together. But, if someone is unable to make it to the dinner table, a plate will be made for them for when they make it home.

I want to spend a few minutes at the end of each day with my children. Listening to them talk about their day, the good parts, the bad parts, and everything in between. By starting this young the line of communication is open. By remaining open to what they say I convey that I won't judge them. Then, when they need it as an older teenager or adult, they know my ears are still open. I'm still there. 

Something worth celebrating

I'm sharing a blurb in a book about goals. I'm sharing this because I had written down some goals in November of 2011.

http://beautifulcrazycrisis.blogspot.com/2011/11/next-five-years.html

And I'm celebrating because I'm on target to completing some of them. Here's the excerpt from the book:

A goal is a dream set to paper. Don't ust think it-ink it! According to Dave Kohl, professor emeritus at Virginia Tech., people who regularly write down their goals earn nine times as much over their lifetimes as the people who don't, and yet 80% of Americans say they don't have goals. Sixteen percent do have goals, but they don't write them down. Less than four percent write down their goals, and fewer than one percent actually review them on an ongoing basis. Guess which one percent?

What are your dreams??? Write them down and make them your goals

Give me a boost…

…and not the supplemental kind of boost. But, a boost of energy; it was hard for me to get started on this topic because I'm rather lethargic as of late. I love coffee but it only seems like it works when I don't want it to. I'm a little haphazard in my eating habits which ends up in those lovely supplements listed above…those definitely don't give you energy.

I think what energizes me most at this point in my life is my niece. I love to see how she tirelessly runs and plays and talks. The excitement of going on the potty and watching her try to pinch the stickers to take them off the pages. Her pure enjoyment and wonder gives joy to others, including me.

In the work realm I find it in the moments of satisfaction, when I know I did something well, or when I find out one of my clients is doing well.

I think it's important to find ways to 'recharge' one's own batteries; many people I know are givers and they give of themselves until they are exhausted (I guess I'm speaking to myself right now too). It's ok to take breaks from the people in your life that drain your energy, it's ok to say no. And it's important to surround yourself with those that raise you up and bring you satisfaction.

If I had a genie

I'd make three wishes. Rather, I'd make that many because that's all you get.

I think my wishes are heart breaking to me and, yet, hopeful. I do not want money or wealth because I do not need it to be happy. I make enough to be comfortable and I'm ok if that's all I ever do.

My first is to bring my father back from the dead.

This would not be enough to fix whatever was wrong before he committed suicide so I would wish for help to be there for that too. In these two wishes my dad would have back his life and the possibility of true healing for his wounds.

Not even this would gaurantee that he'd be part of my life, so my final wish would be for us to have a relationship. I want to have those father/daughter arguments, have him ground me, and have the ability to get angry at him. I want him to be here to kiss away tears, be there for milestones, like the birth of his (future) grandchildren.

But, they say, genie's wishes cannot cross the wall of death, so my wishes would remain stowed away in the bottle because what I want is already dead.

Holiday encouragement/holiday smiles

Probably my favorite memory of this year will be my niece opening gifts for me. :) She's at that age where the ripping off of paper is exciting and pulling things out of boxes still hold magic. It truly is not about what's in the box yet, she's too young for that, it's about the surprise of what's inside.

My encouragement may not seem all that positive, depending on how you view it.

The first is that 'this too, shall pass.' Just like any other day in the year, this one will move into a memory. So, just hold on. It'll be over before you know it.

Sometimes it helps to observe your family. Each of the members. The squabbles they get into with each other. Thinking about their 'behind the scenes' reel they may not try to show to others. Do this without getting involved in the arguments. In this little act an understanding is gained about the members of your family, even as you are building a little more autonomy for yourself. Their issues are about them, not you, and that's ok. You don't have to take on their struggles along with your own.

The last is that your family isn't the only one that may seem bat-shit crazy. I think the secret is that there are far more 'out there' families than 'normal' ones. And that our lives are more interesting for our crazy homes. It's something we can be grateful for, really.