Intentions

I have my first full week of work and IOP starting tomorrow and I'm slightly nervous. I have billable hours to meet, meetings to make, and connections to be made. And I also have to make my meals and IOP. I will be moving from 6:15am to 7:45pm for the next four days. That is in fact what my Monday-Thursday schedule will look like for a while.

So, here's me setting the intention that it will go well. I've got this.

Challenge

I am definitely going through a challenge at this time. I discharged from the hospital on Tuesday, started the Intensive Out Patient (IOP) program Thursday and returned to work on Friday. Things are moving along quite nicely, really, except I find that I have hit the ground running at work and I'm struggling with the meal plan. I know this will be an issue at the program when I return tomorrow evening.

With work I have a training that starts in four weeks and runs all day. So I need to get my shit together so that I can discharge in four weeks. I know this. And yet, when the meal time hits I look at what I have in front of me and I don't want it, I'm not hungry. fml. It's counterintuitive to eat when I am not hungry but that is what I have to do at this time. Meal times are not the most pleasant for me but I'm trying to rise to this challenge by buying things needed to make sure I get lunch in at work. Here goes nothing.

Force

Tuesday I hopefully discharge from the hospital, as long as my days off go okay.
     I have lost and regained my confidence several times since entering inpatient the beginning of March and going into the partial program last month. My depression has waxed and wained and so have my eating disorder symptoms. I'm starting to get my memory back on some things and am told I will get my memory back even more as time passes.
     I am ready to discharge to the intensive outpatient program and yet, part of me feels like I am being forced out due to work. My job protection ended May 5th and I am now on borrowed time. I am very lucky to have a supportive work environment with supervisors that are granting me understanding and extra time. But I can't help feeling like I would be more ready if I didn't feel the rush to get back to work, if I still had my job protection.
     Having that protection gave me permission to take my time and it's like now that I do not have it (even though my job would give me more time if needed) I need to go back to work regardless of my readiness.
     I am ready. I just feel like I would have more confidence in my recovery and ability if I still had my FMLA umbrella.

Update

     I did in fact go into treatment the beginning of March. I spent a month in inpatient, during which time I received ECT, so my memories of this time period are varied and unreliable. I then switched to a partial hospitalization program a few weeks ago, where I'm currently receiving treatment. Hopefully I will be discharging in a week or so in to an intensive outpatient program, where I'll be for a month or so and then my time in a higher level of care will conclude, hopefully in time for me to start school again.

So there's the update that you'll get and now on to other programing :)

I'll take another round

So...I may be going into treatment again. I have my assessment appointment at an agency here in Towson on Tuesday at 10:30am. I'm waiting to hear back about another program from my therapist. My doctor wants me to go to the hospital.

I'll be in treatment. again. This time it's more of a mood thing, although my eating is certainly affected.

I wish I could just be all better and enjoy things again. That'd be awesome. Until then I guess I'll give treatment another go.

Inspirations and Influences

Why am I writing this? I don't know. My mood makes me not want to write it, that's for sure. That's not because I don't have inspirations and influences, I do. I'm not going to recycle what I wrote a few years ago, although some of those are probably the same. It's when I try to write something positive that I have an acute awareness of my depression. I feel like I may be feeling better, but I have the sense this may be a delusion to try and get me to 'fake it, till you make it'.

I'm where I am at this minute because of so many people. I would not have made it this far working through my past without my treatment team. My doctor is the reason I'm still alive today...even though my depression is bad right now, it has been so much worse. I would love to emulate my doctor one day as a therapist. She models what it means to really listen to a patient.

My work influences me everyday. Everyday I help a client I also learn from them.

School influences me. For the best and the worst I will not be the same when I leave the program as when I started.

My fiance influences me. She believes in me. I love her.

This is as far as my energy goes right now. I wish I could flesh out this right now. Sigh.

Favorite Childhood Memory

I'm thinking back, scrounging for a favorite memory of my childhood. Maybe it's the depression; depression does have a way to act as a lens that shrouds everything in darkness. But, really, there are maybe only a few good memories anyway so they're just extra hard to find.

So, instead of good memories the ones that are coming up right now are the bad ones...that's no good for the depression. Maybe if I list them here? I don't know, that'll just make everyone else depressed.

Sigh, back to the mound of schoolwork I can't wrap my head around.

I give up

     Well, the fog of depression has settled all around me and I have no sense of direction. I'm holding it together at work, although I'm crying in the car between client appointments; today I actually cancelled one to come home...to sit on my couch and cry. My doctor doesn't come in on mondays and my two therapists do not have availability. With the promise of snow in the forcast my appointment I have tomorrow will be cancelled.
     I can hear my therapist in my ear...'reach out to Jen'. But how do you reach out to the person you care about most to tell them that the depression that is pinning you down started out as wanting to give up on them? the relationship? To tell them you're so traumatized by past relationships that you don't know how to stay in one that's healthy?
     The "I want to give up"s have transcended everything and I find myself unable to write the paper that's due tomorrow, study for my midterm, even stay at work for a full shift. I mean, I'm actually planning on calling out sick the rest of the week to avoid it. I've already plotted to drop the rest of the semester so that I'm done starting March 8th.
     Part of me thinks 'if I can just get to March 8th everything will be better'. But the truth is it just gives me one less thing to absorb myself in. Then what? It's kind of like the eating disorder, really. For a while I was always thinking "if I can just lose 10 more pounds". But nothing ever changed. So, what's the point?

tick tock

Tonight I'm feeling the passage of time; it's not a restful breeze but a suffocating fog and each minute that passes is another reminder of what I'm not accomplishing.

I have a test tomorrow but I cannot get myself to study. My apartment is trashed but I have no energy to clean. I'm antsy but I don't know what I should do. I don't have an unbiased ear to talk to between sessions with my therapists (yes, plural) and my thoughts are screaming to get out. Nothing makes sense.

Second by second and minute by minute is doing nothing more than counting the passage of time.

What is beauty?

A cleansing of sorts happens through tears. The grime of the past is gently washed away by streams of tears that wash away the hurt, the grief, the pain, and leave behind a fresh perspective.

Many people think crying is not a beautiful thing. I mean, when you're in a really good cry, it can seem kind of ugly. But still, the same process happens, a fresh perspective can be gained, and life changes. Changes are beautiful. Crying is beautiful.

It also has the ability to make a connection to another human being. A connection born out of empathy and sincerity. That connection cannot be faked, it's forged in the same pain that is being washed away. Sometimes it's when a person feels most connected to another human being.

Crying is real and in its authenticity it's beautiful.

Starting over.

This blog started as a weekly challenge with some beautiful people I knew a few years ago. I thought, in order to get going again I would go through and do the weekly challenge. It's also an awesome way to get outside of oneself. Here's the challenge, in case you want to join me!

Week 1: What is Beauty?

Week 2: Favorite Childhood Memory

Week 3: Inspirations and Influences

Week 4: Aspirations

Week 5: Sunshine

Week 6: Where I Am At This Moment 

Week 7: Words That Give Me Meaning Take 1
Take 2  Take 3  Take 4  Take 5  Take 6  Take 7  Take 8 Take 9    

Week 8: Fears

Week 9: Where Are You Now?

Week 10: Accomplishments

Week 11: Recovery

Week 12: Meaningful People

Week 13:  Forgiveness

Week 14: Gratitude

Week 15: Higher Power

Week 16: Giving

Week 17: Goals

Week 18: Affirmations 

Week 18: Best Recovery Advice

Week 19: Favorite Time of Year 

Week 20: Characters that Remind Me of Me

Week 21: Something I want to hear

Week 22: Harboring Emotions

Week 23: Best Recovery Advice/Affirmations

Week 24: Overcoming Challenges

Week 25: Something I'm Proud Of

Week 26: Something Positive About Me

Week 27: Superpowers!

Week 28: Where Would I Be... 

Week 29: Made Ya Laugh!

Week 30: Three Words that Describe Me

Week 31: Things that Make Me Smile 

Week 32: Inspirational Person

Week 33: Most Prized Possession

Week 34: Calming Down

Week 35: Turning Point 

Week 36: Most Meaningful Gift I've Given

Week 37: Most Meaningful Gift I've Been Given

Week 38: Where Has Time Gone?

Week 39: Favorite Time of Day

Week 40: Favorite TV Show

Week 41: Dream Job

Week 42: Overcoming Stressful Times

Week 43: Holiday Encouragement

Week 44: Holiday Smiles

Week 45: Three Wishes

Week 46: Energy Boost

Week 47: Motivation

Week 48: Something Worth Celebrating!

Week 49: Traditions

Week 50: A Special Place

Week 51: Life Lessons

Week 52: Dream Vacation

Raise! and a little bit of all over the place

I got a raise! I've been wanting to share it all day but I haven't seen anyone, other than Jen. It's significant and will, hopefully mean I'm not trying to get overtime in my free time. Although I probably will try to put in extra time, just to make myself a little more comfortable.

I've been thinking a lot about what I'm going to do when I have to do my internship next spring. I know, I know, it's almost a year away. But I realized there's no way to navigate working full time, put in 16+hours at my internship, and have class. Even I know that's crazy and I'm someone who has doubled up on classes to the point where I'm a full time student twice over. I think my supervisor and the director will work with me though, because they really know my work ethic and I think they'd want to keep me.

This week has been hard on the emotions. I've had for real crying sessions three times. I did start my period and I'm notorious for having bad premenstrual issues. But I'm also dealing with getting my needs met by my fiance. We have a fundamental difference in needs and it's getting to me. I need touch and she doesn't. I don't know what to do with that because I can't get married to someone who can't touch me. But, we are in couples therapy so I'm hoping to see some real change. I don't know how long I should wait to see changes. But I will wait for now.

A whole year

I'm sitting here and I realize that it has been a solid year since I've blogged. I started thinking about it while I was avoiding schoolwork and catching up on another dear soul's journey. So much has changed.

I have moved. twice. Hopefully I won't be moving any time soon.

I have been in a relationship for over a year; I'm engaged and get married 4/1/16.

I started graduate school and am now a 1/3 of the way through the program. I will be a counselor come December 2016.

I'm reminded of my 5 year plan that I wrote back in 2011 and I'm amazed at how far I've come. When you set out on goals and keep your eye on the prize you generally achieve what you set out to do.

http://beautifulcrazycrisis.blogspot.com/2011/11/next-five-years.html

I've also lost sight of the people I used to blog with, a community that was so supportive. I'm sad to look at my blog feed and only see a few people posting updates. I wonder where everyone else went.